Good advice is all alike, focused as it must be on health, compromise, and consent. People who need advice, however, all need advice in their own interesting ways. Welcome to this week’s installment of Other People’s Problems, in which we collect and rank the greatest dilemmas of the week, as seen in newspaper and magazine advice columns.
Worst Party Invite, Dear Abby
Humans just weren’t meant to attend their own mothers’ bachelorette parties.
My 70-something-year-old mother is being remarried soon. I’m happy she has found love again after my father’s passing. Several of her friends are throwing her a lingerie shower to celebrate. Abby, I am uncomfortable attending this party.
Best Sexual Inadequacy Cover-up, Dear Prudence
It’s not you, it’s him.
Q: After being in a monogamous relationship for six months, I suggested that my boyfriend and I stop using condoms. (Neither of us has an STD.) He replied that he wants to control his own fertility, and he’s not willing to rely on me to be in charge of contraception. […] But I have an IUD, a highly reliable form of contraception with little possibility for user error, and I hate using condoms!
A: I have a theory: Sure, your boyfriend may want to be extra careful about procreation, but he may find that the reduction in sensitivity the condom provides helps increase the time you spend not procreating.
Most Dedicated Deviant, Savage Love
Her boyfriend is so kinky he won’t French kiss her.
Sex with him is fun for me, but it’s been life-changing for him. I’m the first person he has ever shared his kinks with: age regression/diapers/submission. […] My own tastes, though, are more vanilla. Some of the things that would be most satisfying to me —cunnilingus, him being a little dominant sometimes, and, honestly, French kissing — have been absent from our sex. He says that he wants to do for me whatever I want, and I’ve told him what I want as clearly as I just told you. I’ve also let him know that I really enjoy kissing with tongue and that it’s pretty much the most arousing thing for me in the world. But he’s done very little of that, too.
Best Use of Social Media, Dear Abby
Should you tell your friend she has something in her teeth or just tweet about it?
My friend was at a local event, a child’s graduation. There was a woman whose rear end was exposed sitting in the row ahead. Several people took pictures and posted them on Facebook. My concern is for the woman’s family. My friend couldn’t think of an easy way to tell her. My question is, how do you tactfully tell someone about her (or his) exposed buttocks without offending the person?
Asking For It the Hardest, Social Qs
One in three of his desserts has a line cook’s bodily fluid in it.
When restaurant servers ask me how everything is, I give honest answers: “This lobster roll is delicious, but sort of skimpy for $38.” Or “I didn’t realize the chocolate sauce would be a mere trickle on the side of my plate.”
Most Likely to Get Dumped, Dear Margo
He probably couldn’t even measure up to the French dudes she’s been dating before he gained all that weight.
I am in college, and my longtime girlfriend decided to take a gap year. She is finally coming home after not having seen each other for a year. It was our decision to Skype only occasionally; thus, she has not had a chance to see the 20 pounds I gained this year.
Most Unwitting Other Woman, Dear Abby
Her boyfriend still shares a laptop with his (so-called) ex-wife.
I started dating my boyfriend a month ago. On our third date he informed me that he was previously married. It lasted two years and he has been divorced for almost a year. It didn’t bother me, so I let it go. He introduced me to his two roommates — one of them is female. After spending a day with them, I noticed he had an odd relationship with her. When I asked him about it later, he said she’s his ex-wife. They live together and share basically everything, including groceries and a laptop. He can’t seem to understand why I’m disturbed by this.
Most Likely to Be Dead in a Year, Cary Tennis
This eternal frat boy got in a drunk woman’s car because it was “shiny.”
We had made plans to hang out the other night. I thought we should walk to the bar section of town; we don’t live very far away at all – a 10-minute walk at most. But my friend hates walking. She convinced the rest of us to let her drive, I’m not sure how. Actually she convinced me that she would park downtown and walk home afterward (a detail that will be more significant in a minute). And I was easily swayed because she has a brand-new Beamer – I’m distracted by shiny things. But on our way downtown we discovered that the can of pop she had been brandishing, that now rested in her cup-holder, was not a pop at all but a brewski. But I wasn’t too phased at the moment and I was admittedly amused by her brazen and carefree attitude, and she backed this up by frequent protests that she didn’t “give a shit.” (I didn’t find out until later, by way of her bragging, how much beer she had consumed before picking us up – she hid it well, for a little while at least.)
Most Likely to Get Away with Murder, Ask E. Jean, ELLE, September 2012
This one gives off strong Patrick Bateman vibes.
I’m a 34 year old internet entrepreneur and angel investor. Can you help me find a woman? […] I suppose the easiest way to summarize is to say that I’m seeking a smarter, hotter, younger, female version of myself (smile). I’m cognizant of the fact that ultimately I’ll fall in love with the woman and not the checklist. So without further ado, here’s the perfect girl for me: (Emphasis ours.)
- Out of this world intelligent and passionate
- Ambitious and extremely independent with eclectic and diverse interests
- Not needy, high maintenance, jealous or requiring constant attention
- Very adventurous—loves to backpack around China for example
- Supersexual and sexually adventurous, multiorgasmic through vaginal sex
- On the pill
- Very thin (not because she’s starving herself or has food issues—I want someone who will be thin her entire life)
- Small breasts (usually comes with “very thin”)
- Gorgeous (symmetrical face and features)
- Loves big dogs (but not small dogs or cats)
- Atheist, agnostic, or not religious
- Does not want kids in the next five years
- In her twenties
- Plays tennis very well, helicopter skis, and is dying to learn how to kiteboard
- Speaks French perfectly
- Plays video games(maybe I am asking for a bit much here :))