When Ryan Lochte’s Olympic performance came to its slightly disappointing conclusion last week, we at The Cut didn’t shed any tears. This just meant that Lochte was one step closer to the wild sex romp through London that’s surely been building up in his system for goodness knows how long (at least a week, probably). At last, free from his monastic lifestyle of nonstop swimming, peeing, eating, sleeping, and tweeting, he could enjoy the rest of his time in London by hitting the town and going on lots of
one night stands dates. And, according to some paparazzi photos that surfaced this morning, he seems to have wasted no time in luring some halter-dress-wearing ladies into the back of a black SUV, and um, fumbling around with them in the backseat.*
It’s hard to tell what exactly is going on in these photos, which were taken outside the Chinawhite nighclub in Piccadilly Circus (basically London’s equivalent to Times Square) on August 6. But we can always imagine:
Lochte: After you!
Halter dress: No, after you!
Lochte: Oh, okay, thanks — ooh! Sorry, I didn’t see you … jeah!
Halter dress: It’s okay, I’ll just, you know, squeeze in right here — oops! I fell on you! Oh, well, I guess I’ll just sit on your lap.
Second girl: Looks like there are more people coming. I’ll scooch in closer.
Halter dress: We can probably both fit on your lap. You have quad space to spare. Oops, my boob almost fell out!
Lochte: We’ll probably all have more room if you take your jacket off.
Second girl: Great idea!
* Conflicting reports suggest the woman in his lap might (gulp) be his sister.