Although Kanye’s sex tape has not been released and may never be, we can safely assume a number of things about it based on another video that already exists. Yes, we’re talking about Kanye’s “I Wish You Would/Cold” video with D.J. Khaled, which features a split-second of Kim peering coyly from under a hooded cloak. Here are our predictions about what these two cinematic feats have in common:
1. Lots of unnecessary bouncing and shakiness.
2. Not enough of
Kim “Mony Monn,” and way too much of Kanye.
3. Poor lighting.
4. Giving viewers an uncomfortable feeling that they’re stuck in a dark, slimy tunnel.
5. Lack of editing; far too long, in general.
6. Bound to make Kris Humphries crabby and extra-litigious.
7. Black leather and gold chains.
8. Crotch-height camera angles.
9. A perplexing conclusion that includes lots of yelling, possibly some finger-pointing.