Complex, a men’s magazine stitched to the seat of Marc Ecko’s wide-leg denim empire, has compiled a list of “20 Awkward Things Women Do After Sex,” including “try to kiss you,” “saying ‘I love you,’” and “go pee.”
Seriously? We’re talking about a physical act that, when done properly, results in uncontrollable spasms in the group of muscles usually used to prevent you from soiling yourself. Here are twenty more awkward things to do after sex, just off the top of the Cut’s head and in case you run into a Complex magazine editor this weekend:
1. Flip the mattress.
2. Pop a zit.
3. Express breast milk.
4. Armpit-fart “Star-Spangled Banner.”
5. Rip off her face to reveal she was in disguise all along, and is actually your mother.
6. Pubic-hair braids.
7. Reproduce by budding. (Seriously? You had no idea I was a sea sponge? Typical clueless man.)
8. Feed you like a baby bird.
9. Feed a baby bird like a baby bird.
10. Eat a baby bird, whole, in one gulp, its shrill chirps of distress growing gradually muffled as it travels down her esophagus.
11. Cough up a literal lung.
12. Sigh of relaxation, followed by a loud whump as the long lizard tail she had been holding pinched between her butt cheeks all this time finally falls to the ground. “I’m so glad we got it all out there,” she whispers.
13. Blow her nose on your scrotum.
14. Speak in tongues.
15. Lay a golden egg.
16. Remove a dirty sock from her vagina.
17. Remove a clean sock from her vagina and say, “Great dual-action rinse cycle.”
18. Sneeze, and out pops an infant wearing a banner that says HAPPY NEW YEAR.
19. Sneeze, and out pops George Stephanopoulos.
20. The Funky Chicken.
And we haven’t even broached morning-after etiquette, yet. Readers, do you have awkward after-sex stories? Tell us about them in the comments.