Few things in life are worse than feeling lonely. One of them is the Valentine’s Day industry. Here are nine miserable activities committed suckers can be caught doing today.
Eating a Mediocre Meal at a World-Class Restaurant
Foodies say to stay far away from nice restaurants on Valentine’s Day, when B-team chefs cook dull, overpriced prix fixe menus for all the sad sacks who don’t know how to grill a woman a steak.
Eating a Disgusting Meal in the Name of Irony
Hipsters who know how lame restaurants are on Valentine’s Day can be found ironically dining at your local White Castle tonight, when the fast food slider chain converts into a “Love Castle,” with a special menu and tableside service.
Being Humiliated in Front of Their Colleagues.
A sadistic a capella group is trying to bring back the singing telegram this Valentine’s Day. They promise to “pump up the schmaltz” factor at any hint of embarrassment. “There was one lady who sent us to sing for her husband at a graphic design studio, which was very chic, very hip,” the Ghostlight Chorus founder told DNAinfo. “He was like ‘Oh my God!’ He almost died. He was turning red … ” — just as his wife requested.
And then explaining to friends and co-workers that the bruises are in the name of fun, sexy exercise. Park Slope gym Bodiesynergy is offering couples boxing workouts today. “Generally the men take the lead,” trainer Joanna Paterson told DNAinfo. “But if I, as a trainer, give the women permission and say ‘Hit him,’ then the women just let it rip.”
As President Obama asks Congress to vote on a proposed ban on military-style weapons, the AP reports that Las Vegas is capitalizing on its lax gun laws with his-and-her’s packages for Valentine’s Day like a “take a shot at love” package with 50 submachine gun rounds, wedding packages in which the bride and groom pose with Uzis and ammunition belts, and a vow renewal where spouses shoot a paper cutout zombie in the face.
Riding Stationary Bikes While a Stranger Shouts Intensely Personal Affirmations at Them
It’s “Couples Date Night Ride” at various SoulCycle locations tonight, which may or may not be code for an exercise cult mass wedding. (If this actually appeals to you, there’s a Post–Valentine’s Day Singles Night tomorrow night.)
Hanging Out in Their Underwear With Strangers
And not as a sex thing. Boston’s Revere Hotel offered couples a Midnight Ride Package (get it?) that includes a 90-minute boudoir portrait session with a professional photographer and a makeup artist — and only one complimentary bottle of Prosecco to get them through it.
Sleeping on a Rose Parade Float
Renaissance Hotels offered guests a Love Blossoms suite with more than 27,000 flowers carpeting the walls, ceiling, and bed, transforming their Valentine’s Day night into a nightmare Anne Geddes porno for a mere $15,000.
Checking Out the Sewage Plant
No, that’s not what the kids are calling … anything … these days. The New York Department of Environmental Protection Valentine’s Day tours of a sewage treatment plant in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, are back this year, reports the AP, by “overwhelming demand.” Highlights include “the plant’s giant egg-shaped digesters, which break down noxious waste into harmless sludge and gas,” which does not sound edifying enough to justify going as a joke.