Since the fifteen-second-long teaser for Calvin Klein Concept’s Super Bowl commercial debuted online last week, the Internet has been comparing its centerpiece, model Matthew Terry, to David Beckham, who frequently poses for H&M in loincloths from his Bodywear line. Not ones to lump all totes hot dudes wearing undies into one group — Matthew can be Matthew, and David can be David, and let them go forth and multiply with us — we abstained from chiming in. But with today’s timely release of Beckham’s new underwear ad, we’re motivated to opine using our arbitrary point system. Herewith:
Beckham: The “short film” is one minute and 40 seconds long, whereas Terry’s complete commercial is only 30 seconds, so Becks gets points for lengthier ogling time (+5); however, twelve seconds in, we’re treated to the first of two wedgie removals — why would this be his signature move? (-7 points per removal). The entire scenario is implausible (-5), especially that he’d make it so far in Holiday Inn–like slippers (-2), but we appreciate that he’s shedding clothing along the way (+7). Also, the pool scene: totes hot dude in water (+10). The resolution is predictable (+/-10, whether you like a happy ending), but we called the 1-888 number on the van and Top Tours Inc. does not exist. We won’t deduct further points; see previous note about this scenario being implausible. Anyway, because we love Guy Ritchie, who directed this ad, and Guy tries to wear pocket squares on the red carpet, Beckham gets bonus points (+15).
Terry: As mentioned, his spot is only 30 seconds long, which reduces the gawking period, but arguably leaves the viewer wanting more (+/-7 points). Additionally: more abs (+6), tinier underwear (+10), and fewer tattoos (+/-5, we’re willing to work with you). At four seconds in, there are two Matthews, the best thing to happen since there was one Matthew (+15), then he turns into an engine part, which is even less plausible than Beckham’s romp through Beverly Hills. And it infringes on our short, precious time spent together (-7). Come 22 seconds, and you will see the Blue Steeliest Blue Steel ever (+12). We’d like to thank the camera crew, Calvin Klein for designing underwear that does not cause wedgies, and Mr. and Mrs. Terry (+15). Also, in this interview we just read on UnderwearExpert.com, Matthew says, “I love to cut firewood.” He could build you a fire (+37).