One of those new art/fashion/whatever magazines, GALORE, has gone and done the inevitable, hiring Cat Marnell — wasted beauty editor extraordinaire — as their sex columnist. (She’s also apparently this magazine’s beauty editor, says the PR guy who offered the Cut an early look at the issue, which drops tomorrow.) For her first Bushnellian exercise, Marnell goes the appropriately Almost Famous route — too easy? — in double-spread called “How to Have Foxy Groupie Sex With Dirty Rockstars.” The whole story is printed in pink text. Herewith, five of her most sexual tips, ranked from least to most sexual:
5. “Even if you wear a condom when you sleep with your rock star, you can still catch creepy-crawlies.”
When Guns’N’Roses were recording “Appetite for Destruction” in West Hollywood, every single member of the band boned this slag Cameron and every single member of the band got crabs. Crabs. Little insects crawling around your genitals. Ugh, who even wants to fuck a rock star? I think I just threw up in my mouth.
4. “Oral Sex is crucial.”
In the words of my personal hero, former hip hop groupie Superhead — author of many books, including the iconic Confessions of a Video Vixen, sometimes you just gotta suck a dick until your nose bleeds! Or maybe that wasn’t her advice, per se, it was just something that actually — violently, then — happened to her. Sad. (Sexy-sad?)
3. “Poppers aren’t just for gays and anal (though relax and try to enjoy anal in 2013, please.)”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: poppers make awesome sex even more awesome. Bianca Jagger was a poppers fiend in the Studio 54 era when she was married to Mick — and Kate Moss, ex of rock star Pete Doherty and now married to rock star James Hince, is reportedly a poppers aficionado and is always bothering DJs at the London clubs for them. Case closed!
2. “Your pussy should taste like apricots.”
Oh, one more tip from the Pamela/Mick/Marianne affair: Mick became obsessed with peach and strawberry ice cream-flavored douches Miss Pamela was using during their affair — then went back to England and actually pressured MF, his longtime girlfriend, to start using them! Do you die? She hated them and started douching with jasmine oil instead. The point is: let’s bring back douching. I think it’s cool. Ooh, groupie sex is sooo hot!
1. “It doesn’t matter how ugly you are if you can squirt.”
Rock stars sleep with so many women — so, so many groupies — that you have to pull off some really next-level sexual fabulosity to stand out in their drug-clouded memories. Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee has been with the hottest women in the world — Pam, Heather Locklear — but the women he really raved about in Dirt (read it — amazing) were the freaks: a moose-faced Mexican dubbed Bullwinkle he believed to be “the love of my life […] the one […] incredibly hard to break up with” — he became addicted to her squirting on his face when she orgasmed.
Also addressed: stalking, diaphragm talk, “syphilis of the throat,” infidelity, and using pregnancy as rock-star blackmail. Have at it, folks.