size matters

Jon Hamm: ‘Lay Off’ My Penis

Photo: Kurt Krieger/Corbis

Jon Hamm knows what you’re saying about his penis, and he wants you to “lay off.” In an interview with Rolling Stone he explains that, after three years of nonstop Hamm salami jokes,

Most of it is tongue-in-cheek … but it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have — a prurience.

They’re called ‘privates’ for a reason. I’m wearing pants, for fuck’s sake. Lay off. I mean, it’s not like I’m a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn’t part of the deal … But whatever. I guess it’s better than being called out for the opposite.

I’m of two minds here. On one hand, I’m ready to end this joke. In the beginning, there was reason to believe Jon Hamm found the joke funny. But as is the case with all great cultural touchstones, we may have taken it too far. More significantly, though, the joke has gotten stale. As those struggling in long-term relationships know, after three years, you find yourself wanting a new penis. A novel penis. A penis that surprises. Just as Ryan Gosling’s acting hiatus suggests that America needs a new imaginary boyfriend, Jon Hamm’s penis-joke rejection suggests we need a new penis to obsess about.

On the other hand, is Jon Hamm’s penis ready to give up the spotlight? There’s a rumor that underwear companies want Jon Hamm’s penis to model for them. Is it really fair to strangle Jon Hamm’s penis’s career, right when Jon Hamm’s penis is poised to make it big? Jon Hamm’s penis is on the rise. Jon Hamm’s penis is growing. Jon Hamm’s penis — Jon Hamm’s — Jon Hamm, I’m so sorry.

Jon Hamm: ‘Lay Off’ My Penis