Kristen Stewart and Lindsay Lohan met through a mutual friend and bonded over the woes of fame, “Page Six” reports in an item that opens with the most magnificent aside in the history of gossip-item asides:
We have exclusively learned Lohan, who’s refusing to go to court-ordered rehab until after Coachella [emphasis ours], is hanging out with [Stewart]. A source told us, “They met through one of Lindsay’s friends who also knows Kristen. Lindsay was invited up to Kristen’s house last week, and they hung out with Robert Pattinson […] Lindsay and Kristen discussed their careers, creative ideas and how they deal with living under the focus of the media and the paparazzi.”
At first glance, they’re an odd couple. Scenester LiLo would risk going to jail before she missed a music festival or party; shrinking violet K.Stew rarely socializes in public. High-strung LiLo’s drugs of choice are cocaine and kleptomania; low-key K.Stew’s are marijuana and love.
But they also have a lot in common. Both got their start as child stars. Both transitioned to adult roles by playing strippers: Lohan as a pole-dancing psychic in I Know Who Killed Me, Stewart as a pole-dancing prostitute in Welcome to the Rileys. Both have been photographed in compromising sexual positions: Lohan on days when she forgets her panties, Stewart on the day she rubbed her butt against a married man. Both have suffered the slings and arrows of tabloid stardom: Lohan suffers paparazzi-induced panic attacks, Stewart once likened (and apologized for likening) paparazzi assault to rape. Both are believed to be heteroflexible: Lohan once dated a woman but identifies only as “maybe” bisexual, while Stewart’s most recent gay rumor* involves Katy Perry’s personal assistant. Both have occasional hygiene issues. Both have necklace fixations. Both have been tarred as “homewreckers”: Lohan for a rumored entanglement featured in this week’s Star magazine, and Stewart for the aforementioned butt-rubbing debacle.
As all women know, a good female friendship can be as long-lasting and fruitful as a successful marriage. But cultivating new friendships can be tricky, particularly in adulthood. In some ways, platonic advances are more awkward than romantic ones because you can’t hide behind the promise of sex. Your message always boils down to, “I like talking to you. I think you are cool. Do you like talking to me? Do you think I’m cool enough for you?” The value judgment is about who you actually are, not your relative hotness or promiscuity or relationship status.
Kristen Stewart and Lindsay Lohan have a lot to talk about, and they’re on equal footing, coolness-wise. Their shared background bonds them, but their dissimilar temperaments are what would make the friendship truly great. K.Stew could be the sulky Angela Chase to LiLo’s wild-child Rayanne. The Sweet Valley Elizabeth to her Jessica. The Punky Brewster to her Margaux. The Ashley Olsen to her Mary-Kate. The Ernie to her Bert.
* Though a LiLo-K.Stew hook-up rumor would be phenomenal, K.Stew lesbian rumors have always had a distinct whiff of bullshit. It’s like the world can’t fathom how a straight woman could not like high heels, and thus requires an alternate explanation for her entire sexual being.