Yesterday I wrote about the peculiar female blogging trope in which women describe discovering — then retrieving — objects lost in their vaginas. I made two discoveries: First, objects get lost in vaginas with alarming frequency. Second, when you write a blog post about women losing objects in their vaginas, you become a repository for all women’s stories about losing objects in their vaginas. Starting at 9 a.m. when I embarked on the post, women who heard about my project started offering their stories. They tweeted their stories. They e-mailed. They Gchatted. They sat by my desk at work and whispered tales of woe. These are their stories.
1. Vaginal-Loss Medley
(9:09) Female: Once someone told me about a potato up there. She only knew because the roots were growing out towards the light.
Me: According to blogs it happens a lot.
Female: I bet someone has blogged about this. It’s supposed to cure yeast infections. I worked at an organic supermarket for four years, on and off, in the East Village. I know things.
Me: Holy shit I thought you were joking.
Female: Garlic is another one. Drugs obviously rampant.
2. The Ring Cycle
(10:16) Female: Did I tell you that I recently scheduled and canceled an emergency gynecologist appointment after my BF found the object i’d been “looking for” inside me for about a week next to his bed?
Me: What was the object????
Female: Nuva ring.
3. A Basic Narrative
(10:44) Female: i had a friend lose a tampon in her vagina
4. Like a Recipe for Italian Bread
(10:46) Female: ok this is gross but a garlic clove once
(10:46) Female: “my friend” heard it was a natural remedy for a mild yeast infection
5. A Mysterious Tweet
6. Tween Tampon Loss
(3:05) Whispered: That article you wrote? It happened to me. They tell you in school when you’re eleven or whatever, that it can’t happen, that your body will get rid of it, but it’s not true. I left a tampon up there. When I realized it I was at a [redacted tween activity]. It was horrible. I was wearing white pants. What was I going to do, call an EMT? I had to do it by myself.
7. “Like When You Q-Tip and Pull Out a Huuuge Piece of Wax”
(5:00) Female: so i had sex with a gentleman
and then i went about my life
and then the next day
so liiiike 18-24 hours later
i was peeing and when i wiped something felt NOT right
and the condom was sort of poking out
omg omg i cant explain the feeling
the terrible part were those 7 seconds when i pulled it out
and then i was convinced i had sterilized myself or something
i have noooo idea why he didnt notice
like how could you put something on your penis, put that penis in somewhere, and then not realize when it comes out naked!
im trying to describe the feeling
sort of like when you Q-tip and pull out a huuuge piece of wax
and it’s very satisfying
but 100 times that size
and its been incubating within you for a day
not painful, but NOT a correct feeling
(5:08) Me: did it smell bad?
when i read up on the literature everyone said it smelled bad
Female: no. it smelled like condom.
anyway i think your muscles just tighten or something
as the guy pulls out
and grabs it!
Me: oh wait! i read about this during my research too
(5:16) Female: hahahah PENIS CAPTIVUS
Me: You are a penis captivator
8. The Port-a-Potty Condom
(6:48) By email: I had sex with my college boyfriend on a Thursday, and I guess the condom must have come off inside of me and he just, like, didn’t mention it, because that Saturday, I was tailgating with a few of my friends at the last home home football game of my senior year and I had a very strange feeling in my vagina region. Went to use a disgusting stadium-side port-a-potty and when I was in there the fucking condom fell out of me. It was the most revolting moment of my life, but obviously the only thing to do after a moment like that is continue drinking, but as a coping mechanism rather than a social lubricant.
A couple of days later, I started feeling a little UTI-ish, but I ignored it because it was toward finals week and I didn’t have time to go to the doctor. It proceeded to get worse and worse until one night I woke up in the worst pain of my life. Vomiting, couldn’t walk, my eyeballs hurt. I had a UTI that was so serious that it went into my kidneys, which were shutting down. I had to get extensions for my finals and was in excruciating pain until almost Christmas when the horse pills they gave me started working. My roommate told her dad (who is a doctor) that I was feeling really sick during a phone conversation and his deadpan response was “Well, she shouldn’t fuck so much.” Everyone knew what a whore I was. EVERYONE!
TL;DR — a condom got lost in me for 2 days and I subsequently got a UTI so bad that it almost ruined Christmas. Gross.