As you probably know by now, erratic former actress Amanda Bynes would like rapper Drake to murder her vagina. Bynes had been alluding to her crush on Drake for months — dating back approximately to when her cryptic tweets about a rumored dalliance with Kid Cudi (lyrical evidence here) were misinterpreted as referring to Drake — but that didn’t make her request any less disturbing. What is vagina murder? Is Drake even capable of something like that? Should we be asking for it too? Is Amanda okay?
These sound like questions for the Cut Chat Room.
Stella Bugbee: So shall we talk Vag-murdering?
Kat Stoeffel: Can we define our terms first? What is vagina murder?
Maureen O’Connor: Hard sex. The kind that looks like “daggering.”
Stella: Poor vaginas. All I could think about was childbirth. Real vaginal murder.
Kat: I love that Bynes hasn’t taken down the tweet. No shame in her game.
Emily Shornick: This is the highlight of the last five years of her career.
Maureen: Here’s what she did afterwards:
Maureen: There’s a Miley Cyrus unicorn twerk reference to be made, but I can’t seem to fit it together.
Kat: Maybe Bynes hoped the unicorn twerk mating call that brought Cyrus’s fiancé back to her would similarly attract Drake.
Charlotte Cowles: She also went to McDonald’s.
Maureen: Drake eats the Salad Shakers at McDonald’s
Stella: Funny, the only thing I’ve ever made an ironic “murder” reference to was a salad.
Kat: Yes. I “murder” food a lot. That cake in the kitchen, for example. But as far as public sexual request of famous people goes, I say the more self-debasing the better.
Maureen: I actually think requesting a man to murder your vagina is more empowered than, say, “Let me suck your dick.”
Kat: If she had tweeted “I want Drake to make sweet, respectful love to me” it would have been way sad. This makes her seem tough, kind of.
Stella: No, “murder my vag” is sadder.
Maureen: Some ladies like their vaginas murdered.
Stella: Some ladies like sucking dick. That’s not what this is about.
Charlotte: It’s fine if she feels that way; I just don’t think it’s something to be tweeted.
Kat: So say you want a guy to murder your vag. What is best practices for expressing that desire?
Kat: Should she have “subtweeted”?
Maureen: Maybe, though subtweeting — subliminal tweet, described here to those unaware — is generally frowned upon. I think it’s a bit forward to include a Twitter handle when requesting vagina murder. That’s a bit of a confrontation, the equivalent of shouting MURDER MY VAGINA at a guy across the room from you at a crowded bar.
Kat: Yes. I could picture this line on the Girls cutting-room floor. Or Lena Dunham’s Twitter.
Emily: It’s not like she was talking directly to him. She was just chatting with her Twitter girlfriends.
Maureen: BUT if it’s only for your Twitter girlfriends, why include his handle?
Emily: To clarify which Drake?
Maureen: If you’re a famous person, all you need to do is whisper a guy’s name into the air, and “Page Six” will report it and the tabloids basically become your matchmaker.
Kat: True. Lena would have the tact to say it about someone fictional or dead.
Maureen: @-tweeting someone, even if you think they probably won’t reply, is fun because you maintain the illusion that MAAYYYYBE they’ll see it. And tweet back. And make sweet love in the club while tonguing your pierced cheek.
Stella: Pretty sure he saw that one.
Kat: History suggests that even long-shot crushes will murder your vagina if you ask.
Maureen: This reminds me of the time LiLo tweeted at Chris Brown, “wanna meet?” That was weird for a much creepier subtext of violence/self-debasement, in that everyone immediately wondered if asking Chris Brown on a date was a sign of hitting rock bottom and/or self-harming instincts.
Kat: But I really don’t want to believe anything’s wrong with Bynes. She’s been crush-trolling Drake on Twitter for so long and this latest escalation is so funny and DGAF.
Maureen: I actually feel sad for the guy in the equation, too. “Turn your penis into a steel-hard stabbing device” is a pretty high performance expectation. Although maybe there are alternate murder methods. Death by strangulation. Death by drowning. This could get kinky.
Charlotte: I find the use of the word murder to be pretty violent.
Stella: Me too.
Kat: Have you guys heard rap lately? Maybe she just said it in a sad attempt to speak Drake’s language.
Stella: BUT THAT IS NOT HIS LANGUAGE.
Maureen: Drake is not a man you ask to “murder” your vagina. Drake would make sweet love to your vagina, while singing, “I will take care of you.”
Kat: True. She might find more satisfaction with Meek Mill, who says he is on trial for murdering pussy. Or Lil Wayne, who will, controversially, “beat the pussy up like Emmitt Till.” Or one of the Ying Yang Twins.
Stella: Drake would send your vagina to college.
Kat: Pour it a glass of Moscato.
Stella: Admire its NARS Orgasm blush. I saw Drake buying an arm load of Chanel bags down in Miami this Christmas. Some lucky vag was getting those.
Kat: In conclusion, why ask Drake to murder your vagina when you can ask Drake to Drake your vagina?