mean girls

The Greatest Sorority Freak-out E-mail Ever

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Few fires burn as hot as that of a social-climbing female scorching peers she believes are holding her back. Think of Lindsay Lohan tearing apart uncool friend Lizzy Caplan in Mean Girls. Or status-anxious Blair Waldorf undermining Serena in Gossip Girl. Punching downwards is the bully’s version of paying it forward. Social threats become hot potatoes; to rid herself of social anxiety, a female bully must inflict social anxiety in someone else.

Which brings us to a 900-word e-mail from a leader in “lower tier, very awkward” University of Maryland sorority Delta Gamma, published simultaneously on Deadspin and Gawker. Apparently Delta Gamma was paired with a “pretty good frat” Sigma Nu for Greek Week, but the awkward girls weren’t impressing the cool guys. They were just standing around, talking awkwardly to one another. The fury this induced in the unnamed sorority leader (which one?! the vice president of membership? the director of social events?) is breathtaking. “Tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in,” she writes, “because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.”

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But [sorority queen whom neither Gawker nor Deadspin will name]!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO.

I highly recommend reading the full e-mail, as a study in the art of female-on-female belligerence. The phrases “goddamn cock block” and “cunt punt” are deployed. Someone get this lady a blog. Or if you know her, tell her to e-mail me! We’d have so much fun Gchatting.

The Greatest Sorority Freak-out E-mail Ever