Today, a foul-mouthed sorority e-mail rant went viral: “We fucking suck,” the e-mail said, chastising Delta Gammas for failing to impress the men of Sigma Nu during Greek Week. “Prediction,” commented Emma Carmichael. “Sorority Girl will get a book deal called Lean the Fuck In Before I Cunt Punt You.” Is Delta Gamma’s e-mail the Lean In of campus social climbing? Here’s what it would look like if Sheryl Sandberg wrote it.
Lean the Fuck In, You Goddamn Boners
Tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this is going to be a rough fucking lean-in circle.
Through my senior year, I was told over and over how hard it would be to balance sisterhood with boy-chasing. BUT DO YOU THINK I GIVE A FLYING FUCK?!! I’ve been getting texts about my sisters LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD, standing in corners at night. Our voices are not heard equally at Sigma Nu parties.
Newsflash: We PULL BACK and talk to our sisters at parties, instead of LEANING IN and flirting with frat guys. DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: Sigma Nu is not going to want to hang out with us if we pull back.
If you’re reading this and saying, “But oh em gee Sheryl, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters!”, then FUCKING PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW so I don’t have to PASS JUDGMENT ON THESE HIGHLY PERSONAL DECISIONS for you. My point is that Delta Gamma should not scale back in flirting with Sigma Nu unless we have to — and CERTAINLY NOT before fucking Greek Week is over.
The concept of “having it all” during Greek Week flies in the face of the basic laws of keggers and common sense, YOU STUPID COCKS. Being a Delta Gamma means making adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices. You have 361 days OUT OF THE FUCKING YEAR to have fun with your sisters. This week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. If you can’t handle that compromise, you little shit, if you’re all, “Ohhh, I’m now crying, your lean-in circle has made me oh so so sad,” then good. I would rather have 40 girls that lean in when they talk to frat guys, you know, LEAN IN and REALLY SQUASH THEIR BOOBS UP against his bicep, or the wall, or whatever the HELL they’re leaning up against, than 80 unambitious losers who get passed over for promotions.
We can change the popularity structure of our Greek Week. Shared party experience can spark the institutional shifts we need to be cool. NO ONE FUCKING LIKES UNDERUTILIZED HOT GIRLS. I do not have the answers on how to make the right choices for myself, but FOR EVERYONE ELSE I swear to fucking God I will cunt punt the next stupid shit who cock blocks Delta Gamma’s ambition to get to the top.
Lean the fuck in, you goddamn boners.