Kim Kardashian continues to perform her signature attention alchemy, turning the most banal of human experiences into mass media feeding frenzies, on the cover of Us Weekly. Have the corporeal changes associated with pregnancy ever been so riveting, so capable of selling magazines, so adroit at inspiring discussions that absolutely everyone hates having, but we can’t stop having them, for some reason?
Which brings us to Kim’s Us Weekly cover, featuring a pregnant string bikini picture from the Kardashian family’s recent trip to Greece. My reactions, upon falling into a trance while gazing it at, were the following:
• Is this the skimpiest string bikini ever worn by a pregnant lady? My “pregnant string bikini” Google search yielded many results (string bikinis are adjustable, after all) but none with a coverage-to-string ratio as low as that of Kim’s bottoms.
• Googling “pregnant thong bikini,” on the other hand, yields very little. Opportunity?
• Those braids! Do you think Kim watches Game of Thrones?
• If the Kardashians were a Game of Thrones family, would they be wealth-obsessed Lannisters? Or would they be Dothraki warriors, slicking their long black hair into tight, oiled ponytails before entering the red-carpet battlefield?
• Those are the most well-moisturized knees I have ever seen.
• When your “Family Vacation Album” appears in the form of exclusive paparazzi images for which you styled yourself with full makeup, designer garments, and professional hairdos, do you put the magazine in your scrapbook? Or does Us Weekly send you a copy bound in leather, as a thank-you?
• The article says Kim is “loving the seventh month.” Don’t most women’s bellybuttons “pop” by then?
• Can someone photoshop her floral Givenchy glove-sleeves onto this bikini, please?