alternate history

What Did Tabloids Think Angelina Jolie Was Up to During Her Double Mastectomy?

Photo: Splash News

One of the most remarkable things about Angeline Jolie’s awareness-raising New York Times op-ed was that the actress, who is under seemingly constant paparazzi surveillance, was able to keep the months-long medical procedures involved in her preventative double mastectomy private until now. But that doesn’t mean that celebrity weeklies weren’t simultaneously guessing at the comings and goings of the actress, whose photogenic philanthropy, Sexiest Man Alive fiancé, Benetton-ad brood and meme-worthy limbs make her a magazine cover cash cow. Collectively, their headlines describe an alternate reality, in which Jolie’s fashion sense went to seed as she planned a wedding — secret or otherwise — to top that of her nemesis, Jennifer Aniston.

February 11, Daily Mail: “Skipping all the big ones: Angelina Jolie makes her return to the red carpet at the ASC Awards in a dull grey dress.”

“Making her return at a low key red carpet event which was held at the Grand Ballroom at Hollywood & Highland Centre, Angelina failed to put on a glamorous offering … With her cleavage concealed, the mother-of-six attempted to add a little excitement to her ensemble by putting her slender legs on show.”

February 14, Us: “Angelina Jolie, Kids Zahara and Pax Resurface in Los Angeles”

“Guess the Jolie-Pitts are coming out of hibernation! Angelina Jolie and fiancé Brad Pitt and their six kids have been unusually scarce over the past several months. But Jolie, 37, made her second L.A. appearance this week — stepping out casually clad with son Pax, 8, and daughter Zahara, 7, on Tuesday.”

February 15, People: “Caught in the Act! Angelina Looks Totally Peaceful in Hollywood”

February 24, Life & Style: “EXCLUSIVE: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s Romantic Night Away from the Kids”

“Life & Style has learned that Brad and his fiancée put an A-list spin on a tried-and-true date — dinner and a movie — earlier this month. After the credits rolled, Brad, 49, whisked Angie, 37, to Mr. Chow, where the couple got flirty over a feast of high-end Chinese fare. ‘He pulled out her chair for her,” recalls a fellow diner, “and they held hands at the table.’”

February 27, Hollywood Life: “Angelina Jolie Wedding Florist: Brad Pitt Is Helping Plan Ceremony”

March 7, JustJared: “Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s Wine Sells Out in Five Hours!”

March 14, “Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston to See Intense Media Wedding Wars” 

March 26, Us: “Angelina Wears Gold Band on Ring Finger, Visits Africa on Mission to Fight Rape” 

March 28, Daily News: “Angelina Sparks Wedding Rumors with Ring — But Says She’s Not Secretly Married to Brad Pitt”

April 1, E!: “Angelina Jolie Opens All-Girls School in Afghanistan, Vows Profits From Eponymous Jewelry Line to Fund More”

April 4, Life & Style: “EXCLUSIVE: Angelina Jolie Sees Ex-Hubby Billy Bob Thornton Behind Brad Pitt’s Back”

“Angelina and Billy Bob are still super close,” an insider dishes to Life & Style, on newsstands now. “And whenever Angelina is in LA, she stops by his house and they’ll talk for hours. They’ve seen each other a lot recently.”

April 5, Hollywood Life: “Is Angelina Jolie Stylish or Sloppy at Women in World Summit?”

“I personally miss seeing the star in something sultry. Even though Angie is a multi-tasking mom she should still freshen up for the red carpet.”

April 6, Celebuzz: “Toys Galore! Angelina Takes her Sons to FAO Schwarz” 

April 11, Daily Mail: “Angelina turns elder stateswoman…with the grey hairs to match…as she makes a sober appearance at G8 Summit.”

“With six children to watch over, perhaps she didn’t quite have time to keep her salon appointment before heading to the UK to attend the high level meeting.”

April 15, Daily Mail: “Topless Picture of Angelina Jolie Horsing Around for photographer David LaChapelle set to rise £35,000 at Christie’s auction”

April 21, Daily Mail: “Disappearing Act: Angelina Jolie Displays worryingly thin limbs as she runs errands”

“As Angelina Jolie stepped out in Beverly Hills, California on Saturday, all eyes were on her gaunt frame that she tried to conceal with a long-sleeved black frock.”

May 1, Us: “Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux Delay Wedding Plans Because of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie”

What Tabloids Thought Jolie Did During Surgery