Ke$ha’s first-ever jewelry line, Kesha Rose by Charles Albert, contains no fewer than six designs utilizing a gold penis charm. In a matter of days, jewelry from Kesha Rose’s “Grow a Pear Collection” began to sell out, starting with the above Penis Charm Pendant necklace. Since Ke$ha’s “tongue-in-cheek” collection (feel free to write your own blow-job joke) may be coming to the necks and earlobes of women near you, here’s a guide to how to wear your gilded penis jewelry:
DON’T wear penis jewelry on sunny days. You’ll get penis tan lines.
DO avert eye contact and hide behind your hair while muttering “rocket ship” if you run into the ladies from your mom’s book club.
DON’T wear penis jewelry near construction sites. Street harassment quotient too high to bear.
DON’T wear penis jewelry near junior high schools. Red-faced giggle quotient too high to bear.
DO consider penis jewelry for upscale bachelorette parties. Since Ke$ha’s line offers only golden penises, add a “pop of color” with your findings from the “adult party” section at Ricky’s.
DON’T clash. When humans mix and match private parts, the result is physical pleasure and the miracle of life. When outfits mix and match private parts — say, a penis pendant necklace with a Beyoncé trompe l’oeil boob shirt — the result is too ludicrous for a mere mortal to bear. Ke$ha should try it, though.