Kate Perry and Kate Hudson Are Hollywood’s New Heathers

Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Katy “Katheryn Hudson” Perry and Kate Hudson have forged an alliance based on having the same name. As we well know, this is the basis for the most frightening kind of female friendship. It’s the glue of the girl clique that exists to intimidate: The Kates are the new Heathers.

In an interview with Sirius, Perry detailed the damage:

When we text, it’s like ‘Hudson here.’ We are buds and we get along … And she is super cool, she is gorgeous, to die for.

“To die for and to kill for,” murmurs Kate Moss as she grooms Lila for the next generation’s elite-girl clique. Perry continues:

We have become friends and go to game nights together, we play this game called Mafia. Do you know that game? We play it all the time.

We know the game. It’s a game of manipulation and mind-fucking, where someone’s head is a croquet ball and someone’s diabolical spirt is the mallet. KATIE HOLMES IS ALWAYS RED. Why did you even ask, Kate Spade? Do you want a mocktail of Drano and malicious rumors? The Kates would hate to do that to you. Yes, Middleton has these Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads on lock. It’s a moment of peace in their world of animosity and one-upmanship. 

Even with Couric’s efforts at diplomacy, there are still under-the-surface tensions and petty jealousies. Bosworth is rumored to whisper to the stars each night, “Tomorrow, I’ll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Kate Upton, a world where I am free.” The Kates know the price they must pay if they want to fuck with the eagles. They know that life can’t be all fun and mind games. If they were happy every day of their lives, they wouldn’t be human beings. They’d be Gwyneth Paltrow.

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Kate Perry and Kate Hudson Are the New Heathers