animal kingdom

Man Blames His Paltry Sex Life on a Pet Bunny

A journalist named Dave Good just wrote a 1,159 word essay about how his friendly pet bunny has screwed over his sex life. He meant this genuinely.

Thus, a new brand of sexist was born: Sexist People Who Don’t Want You to Have a Certain Type of Pet. I barely understand how this particular sexism would be wielded. No, young lady, you can’t possibly own a … snake? Because it’s a phallic symbol, and those are only for boys? Oh, no, grown-ass man, you can’t have a … corgi? Because they are usually shorter than other dogs, like women are usually shorter than men, and people will be confused? It’s a difficult logic train to ride.

But here’s how Good’s argument goes. He is currently going through a bit of a rough patch in his love life. He was rejected by a woman whom he describes as “perpetually single and every man’s back-up plan.” (How could she not like him?) A woman with tattoos, a variety of pets, and a Harley (open-minded, huh?) never called him after she visited his apartment. An upcoming blind date got cold feet, as blind dates never do. And so, this man examines his life. He sees his pet bunny. He concludes that there is a pervasive, sexist conspiracy about pet ownership.

Men cannot like rabbits.

Why is that, you say? Oh, don’t worry, the following paragraph just lists things rabbits can and can’t do, like play fetch and bark at a postman. Here’s the “explanation” in full.

You never see grown men horsing around and playing fetch with their pet rabbit at the park or the beach because of this one huge fact of rabbit life: They don’t fetch. And frankly, how would it look if they did? There are no bunny park equivalents of the dog park (the best pick-up spot ever invented), because bunnies don’t actually like each other. Rabbits bark at neither the postman nor intruders. No pet rabbit has your back, ever, because they occupy the bottom of the food chain. As such, they pretty much stay hidden all the time except for when they sneak out at night and chew holes in your carpets. Try explaining that to a visitor.

I think that you explain honestly that you have a pet, and sometimes pets destroy stuff, but it’s a trade-off because of their unconditional love. Own the pet you want with confidence.

Man Blames His Paltry Sex Life on a Pet Bunny