On a calm morning in a Brooklyn classroom yesterday, a wistful youth clutched a can of Axe Body Spray, hoisted it in front of him like a battle flag, and began to cover the room in a fetid vapor. The world will smell like a chemical equivalent of a popped collar and horn-dog values, thought this youth, as the chemicals dispersed. The entire room will become a party. Everyone’s adolescent awkwardness will evaporate.
But as the noxious neon cloud of Axe filled the room, the true effects of inhaling the spray took hold. Soon, eight children were hospitalized, two were taken to the doctor. The abundance of Axe caused a school-wide shutdown. Emergency crews descended upon the Brooklyn school to investigate.
But this youth was promised hot women would appear! He was promised bikinis and lusty sighs! He thought that all of the sexy angels would come from heaven and sexy devils would come from the depths of hell, when the siren call of scent beckoned them to Medgar Evers College Preparatory School.
It was not to be.
Other young, brave, and hubristic knights in America have pushed the limits of this body spray. A young man enacted his Connecticut school’s fire alarm last May with the vapor. A Pennsylvania student was hospitalized this past March after too much Axe exposure.
Alas, the Gods are furied by mere mortals’ attempts to smell like a nauseating teen fantasy.