Believers in the Paleo diet claim a lot of things: an increase in energy, never feeling hungry, and most important, that the diet emulates the “healthy” food choices made by our prehistoric ancestors in the Paleolithic era. In the present day, we interpret that as a diet heavy in unprocessed protein with varying fat levels, fruit, nuts, and seeds. But Men’s Health reports that we’ve been doing the diet completely wrong. Our ancestors did not eat Paleo cupcakes or mayonnaise in a jar.
In the spirit of historical accuracy, here’s what you should be eating instead. Rather than beef stew, you should be eating chyme stew:
“Chyme” is a sweet word for a food source that’s objectively sour: the semi-digested stomach contents of animals. It’s not just a meal ready to eat. It’s already eaten.
Tasty … if you are Bear Grylls. Paleo also comes down against soft drinks, coffee, and milk. They are in favor of unfiltered water, but here’s what history says should be their choice of libation:
Many a young man has taken a sip of a flat, warm beer and said to himself, “Ugh! That tastes like buffalo piss!” And of course nobody would ever drink such a thing on purpose, right? Some did.
You may feel all cavemanlike, eating that ground bison chuck or paleonola (Paleo granola.) Here’s what the cavemen actually ate:
They roasted the animal on its back, letting all the juices from organ and cellular fat, mixed with blood, accumulate in the abdominal cavity. Those juices were the first course at the feast. One researcher noted that it “tastes like a rich beef broth.”
Also, your Paleo protein shake probably does not contain the right Paleolithic components:
The Maasai, like the Comanche, face the problem of long treks from one water source to the next. Unlike the Comanche, they bring their relief with them, making a kind of primitive protein shake with milk and blood from their cattle, who function as ambulatory vending machines.
The sole source of good news: Paleo comes down largely against sugar, but it turns out our ancestors found a way to get their sugar fix.
When anthropologists study the diets of the few remaining primitive tribes, one staple shows up over and over again: honey.
So, CrossFitters, what’s for dinner? A honey-sweetened blood stew washed down with buffalo piss and guts? Sign us up.