big asks

10 Self-Centered Non-Gifts We Won’t Be Getting for Christmas

The holiday season means lots of shopping, but some of the things we most desire cannot be bought in any store. And some of those those non-buyable things are not noble and high-minded. (World peace! Time with family. Support for the charitable institutions of our choosing.) Some of them, while non-buyable, remain selfish.

We will not ask for them, because that would be shameful, and besides, we know better. But we will offer them up as a short, anonymous list on the Internet.

Herewith, things we want from the ones we love.

From significant others: 

• Stop mansplaining things to my mom; she has a Ph.D.

Enthusiastic support for my seasonal decision to stop shaving.

No more going running with girls.

Let me look through your phone thoroughly, at my leisure.

Suggest sex in a manner other than taking off your pants and getting into bed. Second choice: Just wait until I’ve finished what I was saying.

From Family:

•  Mom: Grasp that the New York Times and New York Magazine are different; stop telling people I work for the New York Times. I also don’t work at The New Yorker.

Mom: Grandma’s solitaire, which is currently being saved for my brother’s nonexistent fiancée.  (#patriarchy)

Mom: Reimbursement for out-of-network mental health expenses.

Dad: Learn that it is not “Condi” West.

Sister: Don’t make me act excited when you tell me you’re engaged.

10 Self-Centered Non-Gifts We Want for Christmas