Okay, lots of news here. First, there’s something called the New York State Comptroller’s Office of Unclaimed Funds. It’s sitting on $12 billion in, like, forgotten savings accounts, security deposits, and un-cashed checks. Like everything else that seems too good to be true (complimentary designer handbags, last-minute dinner reservations, courtside seats), celebrities get a disproportionate amount of these funds. According to “Page Six,” Tina Fey, Mariah Carey, Sean “Diddy” Combs, Angelina Jolie, Glenn Close, Denis Leary, Woody Allen, Yoko Ono, Robert DeNiro, Paula Zahn, Hillary Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, George Pataki, Anthony Weiner, Damon Dash, and Dina Lohan are all due some free money. But it’s Beyoncé’s unclaimed funds that hurt the most. “Beyoncé and record mogul Tommy Mottola have money waiting for unredeemed Bergdorf Goodman gift cards,” the Post reports, and an unredeemed Bergdorf gift card is better than free money. It’s free money you’re allowed — no, required — to spend on something exquisitely unnecessary. Like, say, a J. Mendel vest made of perforated mink.