Gwyneth Paltrow has beaten it into our heads that to get legs that could crack cinderblock, she
just continues being better than everyone else does endless butt-lift variations with Tracy Anderson for hours upon hours. But a few months ago, she started revealing in interviews that her other secret to looking photo-shoot-ready was a phonetically weird product called Prtty Peaushun (Scrabble triple-word score). She wore it on her stomach while filming Iron Man 3. In the spirit of January’s unofficial self-improvement theme, I tested out this purported tightening, firming, glow-bestowing, slenderizing lotion to determine its effect on mortal skin.
Brand lore has it that celebrity makeup artist Bethany Karlyn used to carry Peaushun 1.0, a kitchen-made “po-shun,” to celebrity photo shoots in a humble Tupperware container. Celebrities loved the product, and begged her to make it more widely available. She agreed, re-packaging it in a curiously shaped foil bag usually reserved for dispensing Capri Sun or IVs. I assume the shape is because it’s space-efficient and Gwyneth directly IVs it into her system like cold-pressed olive oil. And yes, those are Tracy Anderson’s legs in clear heels posing in the brand imagery below.
The last time I got a massage, the masseuse joked that I was so pale, she couldn’t tell where the sheet ended and I began. Although I am currently pale and vitamin D-depleted, I went with the medium tone (there are four different tones) because I have olive and blue undertones. The Medium Peaushun looked pink-Champagne-tinged and had a sweet, grapefruitlike smell. It was Goop-y. But I dutifully tested it, first on the underside of my arm. The Peaushun spread easily, with a very subtle shimmer (no visible flecks) that was sightly sticky to the touch (this went away). The texture was similar to a thicker NARS Body Glow. Compared to my untreated right arm, my left arm looked more solid, the skin less transparent. My blue veins were no longer visible, but my skin didn’t look visibly tanner. Is it possible that I looked better without looking tanner?
I started to spread it, slapdash style, over my left leg. The mixture still evenly coated my leg, and when applied in a greater quantity, made it slightly glisten, in that Maxim-photo-shoot kind of way (not enough to look porn-y, but glamorous instead). The effect would be a little much for daytime (unless you are a Kardashian), but fitting for a special occasion, a high-flash photography studio, or a selfie. When focusing the Peaushun along my calf muscle, it even produced a slight contouring effect. Concentrated down the length of the leg, it has a slight slimming effect. Although not moisturizing enough to be a leau-shun on its own, it’s also not drying, containing ingredients like grapefruit wax, jojoba oil, and avocado butter. I’m prtty excited to try it near an oshun in the summer. Gwyneth, you win again. Prtty Peaushun is available at select GapFit and Bliss spa locations.