9 Valentine’s Day Activities Way Worse Than Being Single

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There are times when it sucks to be single: weddings, run-ins with exes, unseasonably cold nights before the heat gets turned on. But Valentine’s Day is not one of them. If you’re not worrying what the appropriate gesture is for your relationship status (what is your relationship status, even?), or having an obligatory and overpriced restaurant meal, you could be getting roped into one of these Valentine’s Day promotions. Be glad you’re not their target demographic. (And look here for last year’s roundup.)

Hotel Couples Therapy: New York’s Wolcott Hotel is promoting an “On the Mend” package this V-Day, for couples who are thinking about breaking up. It includes a two-room suite for all-night ambivalence, plus “relationship counseling literature” and special deals at a nearby wine bar and yoga studio.

Deciphering an Acronym in the Sky: Uber is offering users in four cities a Valentine’s skywriting-on-demand service. It costs $500, and you can only use 12 letters. Because texting’s not cryptic enough?

Beer-Sponsored Emotional Extortion: Heineken is sending glittery, red safe-boxes to the boyfriends of women who request them on Twitter with the hashtag #dateinabox. The boxes apparently contain an “adventurous, mystery date,” but Heineken will only send the combination to the men who “show their sensitive side” on Instagram (and surrender their likeness to Heineken’s marketing team).

High-Tech Flowers: In San Francisco, Brit+Co and TaskRabbit are delivering 3-D printed roses that cost $10 each. They don’t smell good. And they don’t die — so you never, ever get to throw them away.

Making a Sex Painting: You may have heard of Love & Paint, the $225 sex craft-kit. (Body paint + Sheets = Art, in the Nouveau Burner sense.). For just $725 dollars more, UrbanDaddy will throw in a hotel room, Champagne, and the chance to be photographed by artist and Love & Paint founder, Alexander Esguerra, immediately post-coitus.

Eating Fermented Celeriac: Apparently it’s an aphrodisiac. It also costs as much as a Bentley, when served as part of eight-course Valentine’s Day menu that Michelin-starred chef Adam Simmonds will prepare in your home for a mere $99,500.

Cupid’s Undie Run: It’s like David Beckham’s $4 million H&M Super Bowl commercial, except you look like you and you pay them. (Okay, “them” is a charity, but still.)

Literally Carrying the Weight of Another Person on Your Back: The Annual Valentine’s Day Couples Crossfit Workout includes “buddy carries.”

Comparing Yourself to Beyoncé: Brooklyn restaurant Brucie’s Beyoncé-themed dinner is fun, in theory. (Oyster’s Rocafella? Jay-Ziti? Adorable!) But that’s only until you and your beloved start trying to name things your relationship has in common with Bey and Jays. (Definitely not eating those animal products.)

9 V-Day Activities Way Worse Than Being Single