We have got a look for you. It’s a twist on a traditional look, with just a little bit of extra personality. First, put on a simple, normal tuxedo. Wear a white shirt, a normal black bow-tie. Do not get creative here. This should look like you’re ready for the prom or to be a plus-one at a wedding. Flattering, not body-conscious. Just don’t over-think this part. Okay, are we good with that? Well, your look has only just begun, you scallywag. Listen closely.
What did you have for lunch today? It doesn’t matter. Empty out that paper bag and fold it carefully so it’s flat. Find a big, old permanent marker. You will probably have to borrow one because Sharpies are notoriously owned only by responsible adults who love labeling. Then, in descending order, write I AM (leave a bigger space here, we will get back to this) NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE. Do these words matter? Not particularly — any five words will do; this is just what is recommended for maximum tension between your attention-seeking behavior and your ostensible disdain for attention. Okay, now remember that space we left between AM and NOT? Yes. Glad you do, it was just moments ago that we discussed it. Cut two oval slivers oriented horizontally. What are these for? Are these merely decorative eyelets? No, sir, but they do work for your eyes! Funny joke!
Oh, one more thing, do you see that bar code on the paper bag? Make sure that that is on the back. Yeah, not on the side that you write on. Oh, you already wrote on the bar-code side? Oh, you will be good-goddamned if you start this project over? All right, Shia, all right. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Enjoy your night, sweet paper-bag prince.
Shia LaBeouf wore this paper bag over his head to the Berlin Film Festival premiere of Nymphomaniac. He also wore a paper-bag headdress in 2009, on a simple walk in Los Angeles. When you find a look that works for you, embrace it.