people who doth protest too much

Pharrell Williams Says He’s Not a Vampire, So Stop Looking Into That

Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage

Type is pharrell williams into a Google search, and shortly after suggesting the query is pharrell williams married, Google will assume you want to know is pharrell williams a vampire. People aren’t fools. They know that if a quadragenarian looks so fresh-faced and youthful, dark forces must be at work. A brave reporter for Time Out London, Alexi Duggins, straight-up asked Pharrell Williams if he was a vampire. He flashed his eye-teeth and responded:

No I am not. I’m willing to go on record as saying that I don’t drink people’s blood. How do I stay so young-looking for a 40-year-old? I wash my face.

Yes, but does he wash his face in a crystalline pool of vampire tears? This answer is evasion combined with obvious over-denial.

The quote featured in this interview’s headline is “I’m Just a Fun Guy,” which is one of those sentences that, once spoken, becomes suspect. In his music video for “Happy,” Pharrell places all manner of delighted people in the sunshine while he himself mostly dances indoors in bowling alleys or half-empty churches (flashes of Buffy) or on a bridge at night. And it is well known that strategically oversize accessories make fangs appear to be smaller.

Pharrell Says He’s Not a Vampire