Princeton Mom — our favorite status-obsessed marriage enthusiast — has written an op-ed encouraging young women of the millennial generation to get serious about finding a husband. Has she added anything newly offensive, elitist, tone-deaf, or sexist to her argument? Nope! No new turds, no new fodder.
So why are we hearing from her now? Because it’s Valentine’s Day today, which is a Day of Love. You probably don’t have love in your life you sad, spinster, twentysomething woman devoted to her career and her friends and her personal growth.
Basically, lady has one idea. She will peddle the idea all the way to the bank. But holidays are a nice excuse to reinvigorate this tired old idea of hers. Shall we help her out? What other holidays could this Princeton Mom use to tout her Find-A-Man-ASAP commandment?
Fourth of July: Don’t think you’re too independent for a husband.
Labor Day: Nothing like “going into labor” to get that ring on your finger, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Get pregnant and get yourself one of those snazzy shotgun weddings.
New Year’s Eve: Nothing like throwing up on a random man to mark him as your own in this animal kingdom. Other women — sad, career-oriented women — will be repulsed by someone covered in your upchuck and he will be all yours.
Columbus Day: The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa MARRY A DUDE ALREADY, YOU DUMBO.
Mother’s Day: Do you want this holiday to revolve around you? Of course you do, you innocent, independent lamb. Get a husband and consummate that ASAP.
Halloween: Dress up as a bride, down a bottle of wine, and find yourself a dude in a tux.
Christmas: If a young lady could convince a dude to marry her even though she was pregnant via God, you can certainly figure out how to get someone to go on an OkCupid date with you.
Thanksgiving: Save yourself from family queries about when you will get married: watch silence fall upon the table as everyone realizes they have nothing to speak of anymore.
Inauguration: “Inaugurate” a new boyfriend by having him solemnly swear on a holy book of his choosing that he will never, never even consider trying to make this a casual relationship. You only commit in four-year increments.
With enough spin, you can turn every day into a celebration of your steadfast safari for a husband.