What does it mean to cry ugly? Beyoncé, beautiful talent phenomenon, does not know. At her concert last night, she teared up like a sad angel and said: “I’m giving y’all the ugly cry.” Alas, she was not. Though she has made one notable previous attempt (citation 1: “Why Don’t You Love Me”), she has not mastered central elements of this facial activity. As a primer, for all of us, here is the anatomy of the Ugly Cry.
You might think that Ugly Crying is in the eyes, which produce the necessary fluid, but it’s not. Ugly Crying is 60 percent lips. This is demonstrated exceptionally by Ugly Crying’s reigning expert, Claire Danes, and by Ugly Crying OG Diane Keaton.
The lips somehow both collapse upon themselves and expand in breadth.
At least 15 percent of ugly crying results from an intensely clenched brow.
Chin action, while not absolutely crucial for the Ugly Cry, can add an invaluable assist.
Saying something sad and significant can elevate the aspiring Ugly Crier into the realm of true drama.
While cascading of mascara can help suggest the ashy nature of your soul, it is not necessary.
Television has played an important role in the propagation of the Ugly Cry, from the medium’s earliest days to the present.
There you have it: the fundamentals of the Ugly Cry. Mastery of this perfect storm of sorrow will ensure you never count yourself among the half-assed, woeful amateurs with their pitiful lip quiver and single, retractable tear.