The Unicode Consortium has spoken! The world will receive 250 new emoji next month, which means 250 new ways to express feelings, thoughts, and sexual intent when all our words fail us. Among the highlights, including a variety of weather emoji (for better texting small talk?), there is finally (finally) a middle finger. Also a way to express whatever feeling is associated with “Derelict House Building” or “Notched Right Semicircle With Three Dots.”
After reading the full list of emoji-to-be, the Cut was fairly unimpressed. It seems the all-powerful Consortium didn’t actually acknowledge the emojis that are most necessary for our conversations. To help, we’ve brainstormed just a few more additions, which are crucial to our ability to communicate on a daily basis.
A partially annotated list of hypothetical emoji for the consideration of the Consortium:
Afro (Black-person emoji, please.)
Jewfro (Curly hair transcends color.)
Male Figure with Man Bun (Get with the times.)
Projectile-Vomiting Figure (Translation: “barf”)
Two Women Holding Hands With Heart (Lesbian Couple)
Two Men Holding Hands With Heart (Gay Couple)
Two Men Holding Hands With Heart, interracial variation.
Two Women Holding Hands With Heart, interracial variation.
Two Women With Child (Equality!)
Two Men With Child (Equality!)
Two Women With Biracial Child (Equality! Diversity!)
Beyoncé Figure (To cover 50 percent of all emotions)
A Figure Curled Up in the Fetal Position (To cover the other 50 percent of all emotions)
Freud Face (Translation: Therapy appointment)
An Emoji That Expresses This GIF:
Left Hand Fist With Right Hand Poking Finger Into Fist (Translation: lewd sex gesture)
Crossed Fingers (Many uses; for example: “I’m in a cab! [insert crossed fingers]” )
Frequently Eaten Foods (e.g., Taco, burrito, bagel)
Avocado (To represent 50 percent of diets)
A Wedge of Cheese (To represent the other 50 percent of diets)
Pizza With Just Cheese (Pizza diversity!)
Champagne Bottle (ex. Poppin’ [insert multiple Champagne Bottle])
Acorn (For all important conversations about fall foliage.)
The Scuttling GChat Crab
Increased Cat Variety (Minimum 10 options)
Tampon (For emergencies)
Condom (For safe sexting)
Birth Control Pack (For safe sexting)
Mascara Wand (For getting ready)
Eye mask (For going to bed early)
Weed Leaf (For weed)
Bodega Building (For 75 percent of errands.)
Unicorn (Because they are magic)
