Yesterday, craft chain-store Hobby Lobby won the right to make its female employees pay out of pocket for IUDs and Plan B if they want them. The store’s evangelical Christian owners believe these contraceptives are the same thing as abortions (they’re not), which are against their religious beliefs. The court found these beliefs to be “sincerely held,” but I can think of another reason a craft store might oppose birth control: Non-procreative sex is the enemy of crafting. Who would latch hook if they could be having sex? And Hobby Lobby’s mainstays — sewing, crotchet, knitting, scrapbooking — are all the province of nesting breeders and virgins. (My tenth-grade scarf collection is a testament to this fact.) In fact, many of the knickknacks and craft projects for sale at Hobby Lobby double as a kind of contraceptive: guaranteed not to get you laid.
Hang this above your twin-size xl; watch boys flee your dorm.
DIY chastity belt.
IUD too expensive to buy out-of-pocket? Try the patch.
Or the ring.
This refrigerator magnet will scare her egg back into the fallopian tube.
Sometimes crochet skull caps fail, so it’s good to use a backup method, like arm-socks.
This male birth control device is still in phase-two clinical trials.
Some sexual activity may occur while wearing this hair clip, but there will be minimal pleasure and no risk of pregnancy.
Patriotic latch hooks say, “I welcome theocracy.”
This birdhouse is “for decorative purposes only,” like his penis.