Do you happen to have a thing for Manuel Neuer? The erotic fan-fiction world does. The imaginative writers of World Cup smut love this German goalie. He is their muse, their Helen of Troy. As he stopped a thousand shots, he launched a thousand one-shots (individual fan-fiction stories). An incomplete, but enthusiastically anthropological, survey into the world of World Cup erotica indicates that, of all the handsome footballers, Manuel Neuer is the man who inspires the most sultry fantasies.
World Cup erotic fan-fic comes in three basic varieties. There are sexy tales of individual players and lucky civilians (this is where Neuer leads the pack, though the weirdest is certainly this one about a bizarre fetish involving the song “Stacy’s Mom”). Also abundant are player-loving-player fantasies, which come in both “sweet” and porny varieties. And, most odd, there are erotic anecdotes that imagine the televised World Cup games serve as aphrodisiacs.
But back to our main man Neuer — often called Manu in the fictions. Wikipedia praises Neuer for his outstanding reflexes, shot-stopping, and “distribution of ball” skills. Fan-fic prefers his “grippable arse” and “long,” “godly fingers.” He likes screwing against walls (featured in at least three stories), and to kiss foreheads after sex (two stories and counting).
In these sexy myths, Manu comes in many different forms. Sometimes, he is a caddish lady’s man who makes bets about bedding women; sometimes he’s just a perfect boyfriend with anxiety about tabloid coverage. He can be a nice paramour who signs his emails “Your handsome and very awesome, Manuel.” Sometimes, he’s a shy hotel guest; sometimes, he’s a man who literally has recurring dreams of weddings. Sometimes, he only lasts a few minutes in bed, sometimes hours.
The fictional Manu is a complicated man. Some representative excerpts:
The one in which he attempts to carry food and fails dramatically.
You remember when, the second Manuel stepped out of the kitchen carrying a tray with the duck and a pan full of rice looking like a balancer from a circus, you knew disaster was bound to happen. … And you thank God that the only place where he is clumsy in. … In the kitchen.
This is about Manu as a snuggler. The blanket-theft accusation occurs moments before he suggests playing “strip FIFA.”
Sure enough, Manu had twisted and turned in his sleep and took her half of the blanket. He really was too big to share most anything.
This particularly smutty tale ends in a marriage proposal, which occurs on January 2, 2016, and provides a narrative twist in which the narrator knows the future.
When he gets to his room you immediately hop down and start kissing the back of his neck and begin pulling at his shirt that was so neatly tucked in to his khaki trousers.
The door to his suite swings open and he lures you inside by whispering obscene things in German such as “Just looking at you gets my dick hard” “Let me help you out of that dress, baby” “Come over here and make me feel like a true champion”. These phrases are driving you crazy.
Across the Manu stories, his most consistent relationship is with Welsh football player Gareth Bale.
Neymer touched Gareth’s cheek. “When I play in FIFA, I’ll play for both of us.” He laid a gentle kiss on Gareth’s forehead and stepped out into the warm Spanish night.
This one is about Bale visiting Neuer in the hospital after he was injured.
[Gareth] felt himself falling hard when he heard the other whisper his own “I love you” for the very first time since the birth of them — absent-mindedly, almost to himself, almost in self-revelation. He was sitting beside the other, hand held tightly within his grasp, lips gently pressed against those of the other and he knew that this — here — was where he needed to be
— holding him
— physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Was where he’d always be, where he needed to be.
This is a tale in which Neuer is an enthusiastic fiancé of a slap-happy psycho.
“Now we’re engaged.” Manuel said and Haidee slapped him, although it was only in a teasing way. “What?” he asked.
“You cannot say that, you haven’t even asked me yet!” she said and he laughed.
“Haidee, my favorite video girl, love of my life … will you marry me?” he asked and she smiled wider.
In this fiction, from Neuer’s POV, he is terrified of doctors and hospitals. But he gets a crush on a cute nurse!
I hate the way I blush, but I can’t help it.
Here’s one, one of many, that just cuts straight to the wall-fucking.
I think Manuel got the point. He began to drag me to the alleyway of the store and pushed me against the brick wall.
Does all of this have you so intrigued? Yes? Well, brace yourself for another enthusiastic subset of World Cup erotica: the One Direction fan-fic crossover. Here’s a book that imagines two of the band members as rival soccer players at FIFA 2014 as well as lovers in bed. Here’s a shorter one about an abandoned blow job. And fear not — no matter where you turn for your World Cup smut — there will always be ball jokes.