what i did for love

Dating Naked: Learn to Love Like a Teenage Boy Loves Boobs

It is written in the Bible that in the Garden of Eden, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” The group of hopeful daters on last night’s episode of Dating Naked probably spent a lot of time reading the Bible, because this is the most shamelessly aroused bunch so far.

Chuck is a ladies-swimwear retailer from Miami. He’s a “colorful guy with or without clothes” who looks and sounds like a 14-year-old boy. His youthful determination to get laid is also reminiscent of a teenage boy. Camille is a Vegas bartender with a collection of the worst tattoos I’ve ever seen, including two guns aimed right at her butt crack. (What does that even symbolize?) Despite her party-girl tattoos, Camille is like a teenager, too, in that she’s capable of putting way too much emotional stock into a single naked blind date on a reality TV show on VH1 (NOT EVEN MTV). But we are here for Love with a capital L, so let’s get into it.

Date 1:

Chuck and Camille strip down for their first date, which turns out to be a really nice day spent on a sailboat, doing backflips and drinking wine as the sun sets. This might be the best date featured on the show so far: Chuck and Camille seem into each other, scrotum exposure is minimal, and there’s a naked Titanic reenactment on the bow of the boat.

Despite his tiny stature, “James Van Der Beek circa 1998” haircut, and gleaming white butt, Chuck seems to have game. After they return to the Jungle Villa for dinner and a light make-out sesh, Chuck is “so excited for what’s going to happen next!” (Sex. He was excited for sex.) But what did happen next? Nothing. Camille shut it down.

Date 2:
The next day, Camille and Chuck go on their respective second dates. Camille would like someone with a little more edge and some muscles, so the universe (and the show) gives her Robert. Robert is 22, has a 12-pack, and, according to Camille, a penis that resembles “a baby’s arm holding an apple.” They have a pool date and enjoy some cigar rolling, which opens the portal for some innuendos like “Can I grab your pool stick” and “Do you want to break my balls.” Camille is a poetess if I’ve ever seen one. They start to get “deep” and reveal their personality flaws. Camille’s is that she’s very sexual and likes to have sex at least three days a week. Robert is very supportive of her, and decides to love her — flaws and all.

All 14-year-old-in-the-mind Chuck wants is a real-live woman to consent to sleep with him. It’s what he dreams of when he goes to sleep in his race-car bed in his Miami apartment. It’s the only thought he has while he lovingly dresses his mannequins in the very latest ladies’ swim fashions. And so the universe gives him the gift of Kristen, a 42-year-old waitress and sommelier with a voracious sexual appetite. Chuck turns on that old charm again, repeating “wow, wow, wow,” because his brain was short-circuited by the sight of Kristen’s boobs. They have a Hunger Gamesthemed archery date that’s very boring because Chuck not only lives but somehow manages to get Kristen to make out with him? And she is hooked! Chuck’s got so much game in that tiny little butt of his. I just don’t get it. After archery, they relax with some wine and cheese, and Kristen takes this opportunity to shamelessly stare at Chuck’s man-meat — she’s just sitting there, discussing the peppery bottom notes of a nice Cab, eyeing him like a praying mantis about to devour.

She then reveals she’s into some really crazy sex stuff and invites Chuck to tie her up, spank her, use rubber tassels, etc. Chuck’s race-car bed is not equipped for any of this. He feels unsure and guzzles wine, and finds himself missing his mannequins back in the store. Their needs are so simple.

Back at the Jungle Villa, Robert’s air-conditioner is broken, so Camille generously invites him and his baby arm to “bunk with her.” Chuck decides to go for Kristen and is again “so excited for what’s about to happen next!” Again, he is shut down.

Date 3:

Camille has all the feelings in the world for Robert after their single date. She’s resentful she has to stop doodling “Camille + Robert + Baby Arm = TruLuv” in her journal but goes on her third date with Julian anyway. There’s not much to say about this date, because Julian’s sustained boner is too distracting and frankly, very worrisome. He starts the date with a noticeable erection. It lingers all during a day of close-contact naked yoga, even remaining totally erect during an earnest conversation about aliens.

All attempts to “push it down” were appreciated, but futile:

“It was just fucking meat everywhere,” says Camille. (Poetry!) Julian probably isn’t a total pervert; he just appears to have some kind of priapism, and I hope the producers eventually called 9-1-1.

On the other side of Boner Island, Chuck meets Michelle. She starts the date by asking Chuck “Do you have to make that pose?” and exploding into laughter. In fact, Michelle laughs maniacally at everything. (Chuck: “It looks like we’re going to build a raft!” Michelle: [Scary, hysterical laughter].) Chuck decides she’s laughing with him and not at him, and as a result they have a nice date. Another woman falls for Chuck’s magic game.

Back at the Villa, everyone is in the hot tub, except for poor Julian. Nobody even speaks to him. He’s an outcast. I feel bad for him and hope he’s gotten the medical attention he needs. Camille and Robert immediately go off to tend to the baby — new parents can be such party-killers — while Michelle and Kristen fight over Chuck. (Nope. Don’t understand it either.) Kristen and Chuck wander off toward the bedroom under the watchful murder-stare of Michelle. Once more, Chuck is “so excited for what’s going to happen next!” And we know how this ends.

In the end, Camille obviously chooses Robert and his 72-pack abs. Chuck takes a gamble on “the one who made him wait” (just like his mannequins), and since Kristen made him work for it, she wins! All four of them head on back to the Jungle Villa to have lots of sex, without shame, like Adam and Eve.

Most-awkward naked activity of the episode: Making out. I don’t know why these people make out in the most visually assaulting ways possible. This type of kissing would also be horrible to watch with clothes on, for what it’s worth.

Learn to Love Like a Teenage Boy Loves Boobs