what i did for love

Dating Naked: The Magic of Meg’s Giant Boobs

Photo: VH1

Dating Naked, for all its cries of revolution and flapping dong, is actually a formulaic reality show. Last night’s contestants were pretty textbook — lovelorn, seeking connections forged in vulnerability, comfortable with exposing themselves, etc. There was A.J., a pro wrestler from Berkeley, California, who self-identifies as a Nickelback fan. A.J. has been single for seven years. We also met Liddy, a little elfin fairy person from Oakland, California. She likes everything! She’s always doing every activity, as inspiration strikes. She leaps a lot. (I’m no expert, but Liddy might have ADD.)

Who are they? People. What do they want? Love. Everything’s normal.

But last night, something … strange happened. Much like a naked adaptation of The Tempest, our two protagonists were seemingly guided by some mysterious magical force at work on this island of flesh. What forces? Meg’s giant boobs. We’ll get to Meg’s date later — it was actually quite inconsequential — but a quick summary: Meg is a former stripper from South Carolina. She is the proud owner of very large breast implants. They are fake, she says. They make her more money than little boobs, and, she reveals, they are magical. Everyone notices them; they have the power to join spirits, to divide hearts. They bewitch and enchant and nobody is safe.

Let us begin.

Date 1:

A.J., Nickelback fan, has been dreaming of this moment — the moment he drops trou in front of a female stranger — his entire life. He knows exactly what to say. As Liddy approaches, he drops the icebreaker: “Hi, I’m A.J. and this is my cock and balls.”   The ice remained intact. But both of these souls are from Northern California; they speak the same language without even having to say a word — they decide to do naked cartwheels in the grass as a “get to know you” activity. Geographically, they are a match made in heaven and the magical island acknowledges this. While frolicking, junk in the breeze, giggles on the wind, there’s a sudden clap of lightning and the rain starts. What’s this, heaven? What say you? Apparently this is just God’s way of saying: Please, Please stop. Don’t point your vagina heavenward. It’s not a necessary offering.

They go banana boating for their date. (This is a standard VH1 joke: two naked people straddling a giant, high-speed phallus. Phallus on Phallus. It’s a meta-funny.) Anyway, they are both turned on by each other’s wanton disregard for their genital safety and free-spirited humping of a giant banana. For a while, it seems like these two really might have a “genuine connection.” But over dinner, after a real heart-to-heart, it turns out their dating philosophies are incompatible. Liddy is a flake who wants permission to flake on plans with her S.O. whenever she feels like “painting” or “finding herself.” A.J. is too conventional; he wants to spend time with his romantic partner like a loser. They have a nice conversation and agree not to coerce each other into sex or romance. They wish each other a better tomorrow and go to bed. Little do they know.

Date 2:

A.J. awakens, feeling a bit strange. Did he eat some weird conch? Did Liddy’s rejection affect him more than he thought? He puts on his cowboy hat, the one that makes him feel a little bit more confident, like Chad Kroeger, and goes to meet his second lady.

It’s Meg, the aforementioned sprite who reveals both a recent broken engagement, her pro status when it comes to handling peen, and, of course, her enormous breast implants. One look at Meg’s big boobs and A.J. starts speaking in tongues: “Tig ol’ Bitties! Boobs! Boobs!” he says over and over. He’s fallen under Meg’s spell.   

On the other side of the island, Liddy meets her suitor, Joe. He’s a doughy guy from Kentucky. He’s yet to find a girl who isn’t “batshit crazy,” “doesn’t have five kids” or a baby daddy in prison. He’s also totally dead-eyed and is boasting a real gnarly tramp stamp on his lower back. An all-around charmer — but somehow, inexplicably, Liddy is impervious to Joe’s enchanting personality. She cites a lack of tone and distaste for near albinos as her reasoning. (She demonstrates a disturbing prejudice against soft, white things. Do you also hate marshmallows and clouds, Liddy? When will the hate end?) They embark on a scavenger hunt around the island. Joe uses this opportunity to assert his masculinity by telling Liddy she can’t read a map, but also demonstrates his ingrained southern gentleman tendency by grabbing her bare butt to help her maintain balance.

Their treasure is a case of some much-needed rum. Liddy proceeds to take a shot and finally gets to release that gag she’d been suppressing all day.

Back at the pool, A.J. and Liddy are having a chat, when in walks Boobs. Meg turns her highbeams onto Liddy, and she starts feeling funny. What was in her drink? She decides to perform a seductive dance for A.J. and shows off her moves from that one pole-dancing class at the Oakland YMCA. But the pull of Meg’s magic spell is too strong. AJ and Meg end up humping in the shower; Liddy goes to bed alone after Jim asks her for sex through a series of grunts.  After he’s shot down, rather than going to bed, he stands outside of Meg and A.J.’s room, sucking on spitting tobacco, yearning, listening. He, too, is enchanted by the Boobs.

Date 3:

It seems like the spell has been broken. AJ feels more like himself; he’s no longer consumed with thoughts of Meg. He thinks of Liddy, writhing on the pole, but not of Meg.  “That was strange,” he thinks, “I wonder what came over me.”

His date is with Xandra, a firecracker with nipple piercings and off-the-charts confidence. I really like Xandra, and so does A.J. They play a little beer pong. A.J. decides he just has to kiss Xandra or he’ll die, so he makes up some rules that really only work in his favor and result in kissing. Xandra and A.J. actually have a good conversation about interracial dating He says very honestly, “I’m more attracted to white girls” and her response is brilliant — basically gesturing to herself and saying, you’re an idiot, look at allll this.

A.J. does, and grabs her for a kiss so sensual that I have to mute the moans because I watch this show alone and it’s pretty awkward right now. This show is either breaking down barriers or helping white men fulfill their black girl fetish fantasies. Who the hell knows? I choose to remain optimistic.

Liddy still has the power of the dance coursing through her veins as she goes to meet her third date, Steve. Steve was once in an “athletic, party animal frat,” is the owner of a big blur, not a tiny blur, and has a bulletproof life motto “Think positively, test negatively.” She admits that Steve isn’t her type, but thanks to that old tit magic, she finally feels like her guard is down. (Please keep in mind that Liddy is on a show called Dating Naked, pole-danced the night before, and has told two to four different people the contents of her soul and heart: This makes me think she doesn’t really understand what that saying means.) They get to pour oil all over each other and take part in a beach slip and slide. Is this enticing to anyone? I bet Steve and Liddy are still getting the sand out of their various cracks and orifices.

Anyway, their date is a series of jump cuts. All Liddy has to do is say “there’s a girl here with giant fake boobs” and Steve too falls prey to magic, foaming at the mouth just thinking about “those cannons.” The spell also reveals that Steve is a real jerk, which VH1 emphasizes through a series of jump cuts of Liddy earnestly, to a confessional of sorts, discussing how evil he is. Steve then twirls his moustache, muhahahas, and they all head back to the Jungle Villa cause it’s the final pool time!

Again, as night falls, they were all  taken over by the strange spell again, thanks to Meg. Xandra realizes A.J. is a doofus who really doesn’t deserve her; A.J. realizes he is a doofus and should just date Liddy. Liddy realizes Steve is an animal. Her and A.J. slip off and spend the whole night together. Meg turns her magic beams onto Steve and turns him into a whale-humping baboon. And Joe — well, Joe just blinks. Good job, Joe.

In the end, Liddy and A.J. choose each other. They share an intimate kiss and the host calls him out on getting a massive boner. (“He’s into her, she says, it’s real! I can see it.”) Steve gets punished for being a frat bro, as he will every day for the rest of his life. Xandra didn’t get chosen because she was too awesome for all this. And Meg, well, Meg flew away on a giant tit cloud, with a smirk and a wink. Her work here is done.

Most-awkward naked activity of the episode: A.J.’s magic dance of seduction.

Dating Naked: The Magic of Meg’s Giant Boobs