So many things are changing for Olivia Pope, her associates, and her former associates. Tortured Jake is now a carefree sex-god; Mellie is either about to be the show’s greatest feminist figure or is one gin martini away from a breakdown. How best to reflect this whirlwind of character and plot development? New hair! Here, a definitive ranking of the most important styles from last night’s premiere.
1. Jake’s Beachy Chest Hair: Judging by Jake’s chest-hair game, there’s no way he’ll be Olivia’s second fiddle this season. I mean, the way those manly chest hairs glisten in the warm sun. ‘Tis a thing of beauty.
2. FLOTUS Mellie’s Feminist Full Bush: Back in the days when Mellie used to care about her husband and her position as First Lady, her hair was as large and majestic as Mt. Rushmore and her bikini line was as bald as an eagle. This season, she’s too busy grieving for her murdered son and resenting her adulterous husband to concern herself with grooming. “It’s 1976 down there,” she informs President Philanderer. Just add barbaric regular bikini waxes to the things that are an “insulting waste of time once you’ve held your dead son in your arms.”
3. Abby’s Perfect Breakup Golden Red: If you have to work with your ex-boyfriend and take a new job as the White House press secretary with shaky qualifications, you better employ a bulletproof colorist.
4. Julia Baker’s Transformation-Back-to-Olivia-Pope Blowout: As carefree Julia Baker, Olivia is more concerned with a vintage red wine and making out with Jake’s chest hair than she is with conspiracy theories. It shows in her amazing, natural beach hair. But once she’s called back to D.C., the land of the power hair, she gets a blowout after hitting the Zanzibar Duty Free. The curls said, “Escaping my life”; the sleek hair says, “The Pope is back.”
5. Portia De Rossi’s Power Mullet: She’s joined the cast as “Lizzy,” the new HBIC. Her story arc is totally top secret, but with that rebellious mullet you know she’s up to no good. Points deducted because it’s Washington, D.C. — no hairstyle that edgy would ever get White House security clearance.