year in review

2014: The Year of the DGAF Teen

Photo: Twitter

2014: Mark it in the annals of human history as the year that the American teenager just couldn’t. They couldn’t care, they couldn’t be bothered, they couldn’t find a single damn to give. They anointed as their hero an expressionless fellow completing a boring task for money. 2014: It’s the year of the lackadaisical teenager.

Never mind the active, enthusiastic pleasure that previous generations of teens took in their illicit tumbles and rumbles. This is the best-behaved teen generation on record. These teenagers would prefer a chilled and chill glass of rosé to any furtive red cups. Even the most famous badly behaved teen of the year was simply attempting to relieve himself. The teenagers could barely lift a finger to break the rules.

The reluctance of the teenagers to do anything at all had a dramatic impact on the companies that existed to serve them: dELia*s filed for bankruptcy, Juicy took a velour hit, Abercrombie faltered. These teens preferred fauxsumerism — the act of looking but not buying. Their favorite store fittingly (but perhaps ill-fittingly) offered one-size-fits-all options. Because for these teens, finding the correct size would be too much effort.

The teens rigorously ignored the teen high holidays of yesteryear, like back-to-school shopping. They eye-rolled Valentine’s day. They eye-rolled Thanksgiving.

For when you’re taking off every single day of your life, everything and nothing is a holiday.

2014: The Year of the DGAF Teen