The Dadbod Diet is mercifully easy: Leave the lean meats, leafy greens, and handfuls of almonds to Scott Eastwood. Each meal should have some element of the following: corn syrup, batter, melted cheese, and beer. Make sure to add the occasional super serving of synthetic protein to help develop the solid muscle beneath your flab layer.
Below, a three-day sample diet.
Breakfast: Orange Gatorade and a Clif Bar
Snack: Protein powder mixed into JIF, smeared on a single slice of white bread
Lunch: Two Trader Joe’s frozen burritos and a Wendy’s Frosty (no fries for dipping)
Snack: Two-thirds of a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, two Coors beers
Dinner: Six slices of a large Papa John’s pepperoni pizza dipped in garlic-butter sauce and three Budweisers
Day 2: Workout day, heavy on the protein to maximize time effect of playing a pick-up lax game with the old brahs.
Breakfast: Bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich with extra American cheese, coffee, and orange Gatorade
Snack: Chocolate Muscle Milk
Lunch: Buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks from Brother Jimmy’s, a pitcher of Coors beer
Snack: Partially defrosted Trader Joe’s frozen burrito
Dinner: Chipotle Burrito Bowl with double steak, sour cream, corn, pico, cheese, guacamole, and a large Coke
Breakfast: Protein shake made with water, ice, and P90X vanilla protein powder, a handful of gummy multivitamins
Snack: A six-pack of Budweiser (potential sub, a 12-pack of Miller Lite)
Lunch: Chop’t Steakhouse Salad with Texranch dressing
Snack: UTZ Ruffles potato chips with an entire container of French-onion dip
Dinner: All the items on Taco Bell’s Cantina Power Menu (High Protein Meets Big Flavor) with two additional Doritos Locos tacos, an order of cinnamon twists, and a large Dew
Other Examples of Acceptable Food:
• 7-Eleven Taquitos
• Pizza Hut stuffed-crust pizza with sausage and pepperoni
• Buffalo Wild Wings buffalo wings (do not consume the celery)
• Italian cold-cut hoagies with the works
• Light beers (sparingly, on days when you’re being “good”)
Acceptable condiments: Ranch dressing (on everything), sweet-and-sour sauce, powdered alcohol
Please consult a nutritionist or physician before starting any new diet plan, specifically this one.