A Modest Proposal: How to Close the Gender Wage Gap

Photo: Vintage Images

Despite the questionable statistics tossed around by Twitter randos, the gender wage gap is still very much a real phenomenon: A recent report released by the United Nations found that, on average, women earn 24 percent less than men worldwide. That gap is even higher for women with children.

The U.N. Women report makes ten key recommendations for achieving economic gender parity, including creating more and better jobs for women and investing in gender responsive social services. We’ve come up with a few more to add to the mix.

If you are a woman, the government will provide you with economic compensation meant to offset the wage gap, such as:

• Every time a weird old guy hits on you in an elevator, you receive $5.
• You receive a tax credit if you spend more than $1,000 annually at Sephora.
• Every time a man “actuallys” you, he makes a matching contribution to your 401(k).
• Setting an Instagram thirst trap is considered excessively dangerous labor, for which you are entitled to time and a half.
• Your wages increase by .05 percent for every catcall documented on Twitter.
• Free toilet paper for all women.
• Hours spent explaining that yes, the wage gap still exists, are considered billable.

Thank you for considering this proposal. You may reward my hard work with a gift card to Dry Bar.

A Modest Proposal to Close the Gender Wage Gap