gratuitous male objectification

Hot, Throbbing Veins Are the New Six-Pack

Photo: Astakhova/Getty Images

According to Details, visible veins are the latest trophy body part. “Vascularity is the new six-pack!” the publication declared, and so it shall be. It seems that bulging veins — veins like a mountain range on a relief map — indicate that a man is super-lean. He’s worked out so hard that his blue veins threaten to burst forth from his skin in a virile celebration of the many chicken breasts he has eaten and the many reps he has performed in order to maintain his low BMI.

After some consideration, the Cut will endorse this new trend in objectification. Is there anything hotter than a well-functioning circulatory system? No cold feet in bed here, amirite, ladies? While Details says the cephalic vein that runs along the forearm and the bicep is the money vein, the body is full of blood-carrying vessels that deserve our lust:

1. Superior vena cava: It’s not visible, but it’s always hard at work pumping blood to the heart. 
2. Varicose veins: A bulging calf vein isn’t sexy. You know what’s sexy? So many protruding calf veins that a man requires compression hose before a flight.
3. The jugular: Preferred vein of vampires.
4. The bulging forehead vein: The physical manifestation of repressed aggression and high stress levels. The vein of a real man’s man.
5. The dorsal venous network: Even though all those visible hand veins might earn a man the name “zombie hands,” they’re so attractive you’ll want those undead hands all over you.
6. Renal veins: The veins responsible for kidney health. So sexy they just can’t quit, and if they do, it’s a problem.
7. Spider veins: Visible veins on man’s face? It’s like, Hey, you aren’t supposed to be here, and you won’t leave. They are rebellious. The James Dean of the cardiovascular system.

Now put your go-to erotic gerunds — pulsing, throbbing, pulsating, bulging, pumping — before any of these veins and enjoy a summer’s worth of objectification.

Hot, Throbbing Veins Are the New Six-Pack