big mackin'

New Hamburglar Has Us McFlurried

Remember the McDonald’s Hamburglar, the mascot who tiptoed around and tried to steal hamburgers from Ronald McDonald? He used to look like this:

But now he’s a veritable hot man. The Hamburglar went from actual burger head to a kind of sexy man with face scruff, a red fedora, and a disturbingly arousing smolder — to be blunt, this guy has got our griddles sizzling. Since at least some of the Cut staff just realized they are attracted to a fast-food mascot, naturally, there are several questions to wrestle with. Should we be ashamed of our crush? Is the Hamburglar a hot dad or a future dadbod? And a follow-up: What is he doing Friday night? Let’s discuss:

Jessica Roy, senior writer: Guys, the new Hamburglar is … hot.    

Molly Fischer, senior editor: Cool opinion.

Allison P. Davis, staff writer: OH YEAH ACTUALLY, WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

Veronique Hyland, fashion news editor: Shamecrush, fast-food-mascot edition?    

Ella Ceron, social media editor: McDonald’s tries the “sex sells” tactic. And he’s a dad now? “We felt it was time to debut a new look for the Hamburglar after he’s been out of the public eye all these years,” Joel Yashinsky, McDonald’s’ vice-president of U.S. marketing said in a statement to Mashable. “He’s had some time to grow up a bit and has been busy raising a family in the suburbs and his look has evolved over time.”    

Diana Tsui, senior market editor: He’s just a dad now. Out stealing burgers for his babies.

Veronique: “Look, he’s stealing those big macs to feed our family.”    

Ella: Wedding ring in full display — still going for the family values.

Emily Shornick, photo editor: I’d really like to meet his wife.

Allison: I’d like to be his burgermistress-homewrecker.

Kathleen Hou, senior beauty editor: I don’t buy into the hotness of the Hamburglar, that mask is hiding a lot.       

Ella: Wait! Is he wearing Yeezys?    

Emily: I’m confused by his cargo pants.

Stella Bugbee, editorial director: I’m always confused by cargo pants.

Allison: You need lots of pockets for stealing burgers. It’s not rocket science.

Stella: Do you have experience in this area? Also, gross, imagine eating a burger that had been stuffed inside a pocket and worn around by some bro with a close-cropped beard …   

Kathleen: I don’t get the story arc of the Hamburglar … he steals hamburgers? It’s a secret identity.

Ella: He used to steal hamburgers, but then he cleaned up his act and raised a family.

Stella: Has rap music ever called a vagina a “hamburger”?

Allison: Important question.

Ella: Wait, yes, I found it in this song by Timbaland.                       

Emily: It’s a good euphemism for virginity.

Stella: Or just vagina.

Molly: “He hamburgled me.”        

Jessica: New Hamburgler Has Us Thirsty for a McFlurry.

Kathleen: New Hamburglar Has Us McFlurried.

Stella: Did the New Hamburger Just McFlurry All Over?   

Allison: “McFlurried on” “to McFlurry” the verb. Quick, get to Urban Dictionary.

New Hamburglar Has Us McFlurried