In the last episode, our two main naked daters — Chris and Kerri — had to decide whom to keep and whom to send home. Chris kept Katie, the cool, tattooed tomboy; while, in a twist, Kerri decided to keep Louie, the meat manager from Brooklyn, even though the only man she wants is Chris. This episode opens on our four contestants hanging out back at their house, basking in love, joy, and nudity like it’s a commune in 1969-era Berkeley.
Since Chris is sampling all the delights this mortarboard of a reality TV show has to offer, Kerri is determined to make Louie a viable option. “We’re dating now,” she declares, after two weeks of knowing him. Still, Kerri can’t stand how little attention she’s getting from Chris, and so inserts herself into a Chris-and-Katie canoodling session. The three watch the sunset while both women compete for a piece of Chris’s ass. Literally.
We’re still in the very early stages of this season, but I’m petitioning for VH1 to change the name to Dating Naked: All About Chris. Every new woman who arrives on the island is there for Chris. Kerri — who seems to neglect how awesome it is to have men shipped to an island each week, just for her — is also just here to pine for Chris. I get it: Chris has a huge schlong behind that blur. But guys, it’s not a magic wand. It’s an organ, a flesh-tube. Simply having a penis (a big penis) does not mean you’re the one with all the power. It’s already getting boring to listen to Chris whine about how hard it is to choose between all the hot women who want to date him.
Kerri, if you’re not going to step up and make every man on that island work for you — Chris included — we need a woman who is going to take Chris by his easily accessible balls and say, “I’m not here for you, I’m here for me, dammit,” and then band together with the other female contestants to make the nude men give them pedicures and cheese plates. It’s time for this small island nation of naked people to overthrow this dick-tatorship.
Let’s see if any of this week’s new contestants can turn this from Chris Dating Naked to Dating Naked: Women Rule the Island.
Kerri and Frankie:
It’s obvious Kerri is feeling a little bit lost. She’s “seriously dating” Louie now, but can’t shake that Chris virus. She came here to learn how to open up and love, but how can she when she isn’t sure she can really love herself? (Kerri, you can.) She needs a life coach. She needs a self-help book. She really needs Oprah, but instead, she gets Philosopher Frankie. The fact that Frankie is pretty hot — that chest pelt and Scarface accent work for him — is all but lost on poor Chris-sick Kerri. But she does recognize something gentle about him and responds to his surprisingly kind nature. He recognizes Kerri’s struggle and seems determined to set her free from all that is holding her back.
First, he soothes Kerri’s nerves with a little hypnosis:
And then proceeds to spend the afternoon pampering her. (Somebody got the memo!) Their date is a spa date and Kerri is the only customer. The massage portion is, frankly, disturbing to watch:
Still, Kerri seems to enjoy herself and feels like a queen — especially when she gets to talk about her feelings while Frankie sloughs off her callouses. While pampering Kerri back into self-confidence, Frankie peppers their conversation with nuggets of wisdom like: “You ain’t learnin’, you ain’t livin’” and “To advance, take away the pants.” Kerri can’t believe the wise things that are pouring from his mouth. She’s found a guru, and maybe herself.
Chris and Mariah:
Chris, meanwhile, feels great. He woke up feeling great; he’ll go to sleep feeling great. He was born feeling great, and he’ll die feeling even greater because he’s had this ten-week experience of having naked women fall for him. He’s waiting on the beach, anticipating the appearance of yet another amazing-looking woman who will come around the corner and start obsessing over him immediately. Enter Mariah, who appears on the beach wearing a unicorn mask. I don’t understand why; Chris doesn’t understand why. Mariah is the only one who understands why and she doesn’t owe this world an explanation. She’s weird and knows it. She’s confident in the fact that she is Mariah and that’s awesome.
Chris obviously doesn’t think Mariah is hot, but I love her for the following reasons.
1. She’s a unicorn. Both because she wore a unicorn mask and because she is a unique and special being.
2. She has a “Blessed” tattoo on her shoulder. To remind us that we are blessed to be spending this episode with her.
3. She’s loud. Nobody is going to ignore Mariah. She will not simper away. She will be heard, because she speaks at a shockingly high volume. (Kerri, learn from Mariah.)
4. Even though one of the Dating Naked producers is obviously a masochist who plans dates that could kill people, Mariah fearlessly embarks on a torturous boat ride and has a blast.
5. She has a ferret.
Chris cannot appreciate her. He cannot comprehend her and instead tells Sister Wives Kerri and Katie that he’s so relieved that he didn’t get another good-looking chick that he’s into. Both Katie and Kerri are reassured by this and I’m 100 percent done with both of them for this episode, so let’s just focus on Mariah.
Back at the house, Mariah knows what she wants. She wants to figure out if Chris is worth her time. She wants to take shots. She wants to rage. She’s here to set this naked house on fire. She demands that Chris give her the same attention he’s giving the Sister Wives. She wants to talk to him. She demands he listen. She plays a song of protest on her bongos.
And how is she rewarded? Katie and Kerri morph into one blonde mean girl and ignore her and after a while Chris puts her to bed and sleeps with one of the quieter women (Katie) because that’s what the patriarchy does.
Chris and Fallon:
While Chris enjoyed nailing Katie, he’s always aware of the fact that he can trade up. Enter Fallon, his dream girl. Fallon is a New Yorker who works in fashion. There’s something eerily familiar about Fallon. I think we all know a Fallon. She has the hair of Lady Godiva, the butt of a woman who spends too much time doing the bari method, and the attitude of a woman who knows she has the hair of Lady Godiva and a perfect bari butt. She’s very scary.
Their date is basically centered around worshipping Fallon’s perfect butt: body papier-mâché. Chris and Fallon apply Vaseline and glue and strips of paper to each other’s asses like it’s a Martha Stewart–themed porn. It’s all going well until Fallon “accidentally ” applies too much glue to Chris’s hairy backside. Parts-and-crafts hour turns into a butt wax for Chris. He screams in genuine pain and Fallon is delighted. Fallon might be a sociopath. Now that Mariah is down for the count, maybe Fallon will emerge as the island’s feminist, sent to squash the Chris-i-archy?
Kerri and Mason:
Kerri’s second date is Mason. He pretty much looks just like the last guy except he’s southern. Surprisingly, even though he can’t make his penis dance like Frankie, Kerri is super into it. You can tell because when he starts playing her a song on the acoustic guitar, she seems perfectly pleased, while I had to throw myself across the room to escape the nude songwriting. They make up some country ode to love and nudity, after which Mason gives himself a standing ovation. Not the literal kind, the kind that intimates he has an erection.
Kerri is pretty much prepared to marry him until Mason reveals he’s 21 years old. I agree that this should be a deal-breaker. Mason, where is your mother? Are you old enough to be naked on TV?
The gang returns to the house for another night of hot tubs and hurt feelings (Mason, that’s how you write a country song, child). While everybody gets into party mode, Fallon asserts herself as the alpha girl, and really, her power over the others is evident. Everyone is either totally threatened by her (Kerri and Katie morph into the single Mean Girl again) or totally aroused. Especially Louie, who turns into a drooling horndog. He keeps cornering Fallon to tell her how she’s his dream girl even though Kerri is within earshot. Fallon finally shuts down his creepy, aggressive behavior like a boss, saying, “Louie, leave me alone.” And he scampers away, muttering something about owning his truth. His creepy, creepy truth.
Rather than celebrating this great moment in female self-assertion, Katie tells the cameras that Fallon has a big ass and Kerri gets very sad, yet again. Chris is in love with Fallon, Louie is in love with Fallon. Who is in love with Kerri, Kerri wonders. Surprisingly, Mason, is, and he proves it by giving Louie a talking-to about his “bad manners.” Kerri rewards Sir Mason with a kiss and a keep.
At the elimination round, Louie is sent back to Brooklyn to manage his meat alone. Mariah, her fire burning too bright for Chris to handle, gets to return home to her ferret. She’s stoked. And Katie goes back to wherever she’s from so she can continue being mean to other women out of jealousy.
Mason gets to stay another week, as does Fallon, who hopefully will spend her extended island time figuring out how to dismantle Chris’s dominance.
Most Awkward Naked Activity of the Episode: hugging.