Issues You Can Still Use to Postpone Your Marriage

Photo: Paramount/Courtesy Everett Collection / Everett Collection

Lena Dunham wrote all about her views on marriage in a New Yorker essay today, revealing both her own repressed white-dress fantasies and a whole new crop of marriage anxieties that have recently emerged.

Dunham and her boyfriend, Jack Antonoff, had declared that they wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married — a noble and not uncommon sentiment. But of course, after last month’s Supreme Court ruling made same-sex marriage legal in all 50 states, people started asking Dunham when the wedding was. (Even she nudged her boyfriend via Twitter: “Get on it yo.”)  And yet: Antonoff and Dunham still aren’t getting married.

Maybe, Dunham writes, that pledge was about something besides devout support for queer issues. She writes: “Instead of a hardship, this limbo had been a saving kind of relief, a limitless breathing space that allowed our relationship to grow without any of the tortured questions of legal commitments and ring settings that seem to plague so many sooner than they might want.” She goes on to wonder, “Had a perfectly earnest moral and political stance actually been a convenient stalling tactic?”

Never fear. Marriage equality may no longer be a social issue couples can use to stall taking their relationship to the next level, but there are plenty of other social issues, far-off cultural events, and worthy causes to provide couples with a convenient limbo. Remember, you’re principled, not just plain old marriage-ambivalent. So, the next time someone asks when the wedding’s happening, just respond:

Oh, we actually aren’t getting married …

… until it’s harder to get a gun license than a marriage license.

… until marijuana is completely decriminalized.

… until every single Confederate flag is destroyed. 

… until Oprah and Stedman get married.

… until Oprah and Gayle get married.

… until Doug Ellin apologies for the Entourage movie.

… until there is male birth control.

… until catcalling is eradicated.

… until every puppy, kitten, and parakeet featured in a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad is adopted.

… until a woman is president.

(Though that last one may not buy you much time.)

Issues You Can Still Use to Stall on Marriage