Dating Naked Is Basically an After-School Special

Photo: VH1

Tonight, on a very special episode of Dating Naked: Playing for Keeps … 

Chris has always been a hot guy who likes hot girls. No matter what, he’ll be a hot guy who likes hot girls. That’s why he’s decided to keep Fallon week after week, even though Fallon is bad for him, for other women, for humanity at large, as nobody has disproven my theory that she’s a hell-demon.  

But Chris’s close friend Kerri is really worried about him. She notices that Chris hasn’t been himself, that he’s just so concerned with hot girls that it’s like he’s barely paying any attention to her. Since she’s recently sent all the other naked contestants home, she has nothing to do but concern herself with Chris. So, over breakfast, she expresses her concerns. “Chris,” she says. “I’m worried about you. You’re just so superficial these days. Don’t let Fallon’s hotness blind you to other people’s beauty. I’m worried you’re a hot addict.” And Chris is all like, I’m fine, Kerri. Worry about yourself, before storming off dramatically. Just like Jessie Spano shrugged off her friends’ concerns in that Very Special Speed Episode of Saved by the Bell. And we all know what happened there.

Date 1:

Chris and Lauryn: Deep down, Chris knows Kerri is right. Fallon does yogalates. Chris, he’s so conflicted, so hung up about Fallon, that he can’t even focus on the things he loves, like boobs, and basketball. Which is the only reason his date, Lauryn — a sports-loving gal from Pittsburgh who is bringing back frosted lipstick — manages to best him in a game of Horse. Chris feigns potential interest in Lauryn; Lauryn whoops his ass at basketball until she sees his manhood shrinking and lets him win.

Kerri and Justin: Kerri is so worried about Chris. She considers telling the principal what’s going on with him, but she doesn’t want to get him in trouble. Also, she’s really having a hard time, too. And Chris has been a bad friend to her when she’s so lonely and he knows that she would do anything for him. But, she doodles into her diary, today I found someone who really gets me, Justin! He likes dates and sports and sarcasm and happiness just like me. Maybe we’ll make out. He’s so dreamy. Maybe he’ll know how to help Chris.

Let the record show: I don’t fully trust Justin, but I want so much for Kerri to stop talking about Chris and Chris’s feelings and the feelings she has for Chris that I’d set her up with Buffalo Bill if it meant she’d shut up.

That night, there’s a big party at Chris’s house. He took a chance and invited the new girl, Lauryn. Fallon tries to do her thing where she gets other girls so drunk they pass out before they can try to talk to Chris — really, it’s like she’s poisoning them. This is not okay! Can someone help them?

Even in her drunk stupor, and after knowing Chris and Fallon for only three minutes, Lauryn knows this whole situation is bad news. She drunkenly slurs to Chris that he needs help. Chris is like, You don’t even know me, man! I’m fine! You don’t even know the first thing about me, and follows Fallon to bed.

Date 2:

Kerri and Doug: Doug is a physical therapist who later reveals he is an amateur stand-up comedian. This show is just fucking with Kerri now.

Chris and Amanda: Amanda is not your average girl. She’s an amateur bodybuilder. She’s a dancer. She’s bald because she shaved her head to support her mother, who has breast cancer.

When Chris sees her he so badly does not want to fuck her he considers grabbing his pants and running back home to Hot Fallon. But Amanda understands what’s going on with Chris; she’s seen it before. She’s no stranger to people being intimidated by her, to people not understanding her hotness. She’s been put on this earth to help him see, to rehabilitate him just like Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember when she helped Shane West through the power of love. Through the date — which requires Chris to try to dance, naked, in various hats (thanks, VH1!) — he begins to  see.

And then she deadlifts him.

After a night that included Fallon spending too much time with Pinot Grigio and starting a girl fight, Chris now has a choice to make. At elimination, Kerri chooses Justin as the person she’ll pretend to like while trying to hide the Chris crush she’s talked herself into.

And Chris does the right thing and chooses Amanda. He makes a little speech: “I choose Amanda.” But what he meant to say is “Amanda, I was blind to women who are not size 2, but now I see. I see your beautiful smile. I see your realness. I see how blinded I’ve been to my own insecurities and superficial hang-ups. I see Amanda.” 

Everyone is very proud of Chris. Very proud.

And now, a special message from the cast of Dating Naked:
Hey, kids. We make a lot of dick jokes around here, but one thing we do take seriously is acceptance. People come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and degrees of hair-having. Inner beauty will always shine through. Never judge a book by its cover, even if that cover looks great in a bikini. If you or any of your friends are dealing with any of these issues, reach out. There are people who can help. And remember, friends don’t let friends accept shots from Fallon. Thanks for watching. Have a good night.

Dating Naked Is Now an After-School Special