deal breakers

Miles Teller: Such a Disappointment

Photo: Esquire

Miles Teller, drummer boy with a lot of student loans and soon-to-be Prominent Leading Man for the Ladies to Enjoy, is the latest young hot rod to land an Esquire magazine cover story. While previously the jury was out on whether Teller would make it to the good side or the bad side of our hearts, he’s done the handiwork for us in this recent profile. It begins with a splash and a bang.

From a restaurant in Atlanta with writer Anna Peele, barely even 50 words into the profile, the reader becomes privy to this anecdote:

You’ve just told him, by way of making conversation, that according to legend the champagne coupe in your hand is shaped like Marie Antoinette’s left breast, and he tells you the highball glass is modeled after his cock. Then he tells the waitress the same thing.”

Ah, yes. Say no more! Really, you need not. But, of course, there are 2000 more words needed to fill out the the profile, so we continue on to hear about Teller’s beer-themed tattoo, his post-jam-band-festival car accident, and “Joaq” — the nickname that Teller gives Joaquin Phoenix, an actor whom he’s never met. At one point, Peele spells and defines the word oeuvre for the Fantastic Four star. “He says he wants to contribute to the body of great acting in the world.”

If you thought that was all the Miles Teller you could stomach, there is more. Teller’s dick and dickishness are referenced several times through the story, but it begins to feel redundant. After Peele references Teller’s signature thick dark hair — “He’s brought up how nice it is in more than one interview” — the actor reminds us that what he may lack in actual good looks or manners, he makes up for in confidence:

“I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am,” he says with a laugh, like it’s funny that he’s willed himself into a higher tier of male beauty through limitless confidence. “I was in one of these forums about a film I did, and it’s like, ‘This dude is so ugly! How does he get fucking parts?’ ‘Well, he’s not, like, traditionally handsome, but . . .’ And that’s kind of what it is. Maybe it’s because I came from a small town, but I always did well for myself.”

Teller is dating a swimsuit model named Keleigh Sperry who has his initials tattooed on her butt.

Miles Teller: Such a Disappointment