if only

Hey, Sweetie, Here’s What We Really Did While You Were Gone at Camp

Photo: Artur Debat/Getty Images


Hey, Sweetie! You’re probably still unpacking and getting to know your new bunkmates, but OMG, Mommy and I already miss you and your sister so much! I guess we’ll get by somehow. To be honest, we can probably use the time to get organized a little and regroup after the busy school year. If we have time, we might see a movie or meet some friends for dinner, something boring like that. But don’t worry, I won’t forget to feed the hamster and we promise to write you every day. Pinkie promise! ILYSM!!!!


Hey, Darling! So as soon as we left your bunk, Mommy stopped crying and we drove back home. On the way we stopped at the store to get some wine for dinner and Mommy came out with a surprise: a bright-yellow box of American Spirits! I won’t lie — they’re cigarettes but they’re not real cigarettes. They’re like those Whole Foods cookies you guys complain about — technically, they’re cookies, but not the kind you want to eat too many of. Oh, and TBH: Smoking’s not quite as bad as we might have told you. I mean, it’s not like your heart’s gonna literally explode after just one cigarette! In fact, lots of parents smoke once in a while and not just the French ones.

We love you! Don’t forget to write. Have the greatest time ever! SWAK


Hey, happy Monday! How awesome is it not to be in school right now? So this morning we got up late (7:30!) and then stayed in bed drinking coffee and scanning Facebook to see what other people said they did over the weekend. (Family surf safari, again?) Mommy emailed her boss and told her that she was taking you to the orthodontist, but really she just stayed in bed watching Game of Thrones. (Inappropriate!) When I got home from work Mommy decided to call a weed delivery guy she said knew. We opened a bottle of wine and cleaned out your school backpacks and we waited for the weed guy to show up. We called him like four times but he never came! After a while we gave up and just had sex on your bed.

Miss you so much! You’re the best!


How’s camp? Are you the coolest, most awesome kid in the whole bunk? Wait, don’t answer. I got this one. The answer is: Yes! So here’s what happened today: After work we met Uncle Theo and Aunt Meg for Korean food and then they came back to our place. They’re both great, but I think Uncle Theo might get fired again. (Of course, it’s never his fault, am I right?) When we got home Mommy got the number of a different delivery guy but she had to call her ex-boyfriend to get it and I was all like why do you still have his number? And when was the last time you used it? And if you have nothing to hide why won’t you show me your phone … ? So we had a big fight and Mommy started crying until the weed delivery guy showed up, then Mommy got so excited and started asking all sorts of goofy questions and giggling a lot. I was mortified. That guy could not wait to get out of there! Uncle Theo made a makeshift bong out of the hamster’s Habitrail tubes and a sweet potato. That guy is a genius. We got super-baked! Then Mommy and I fell asleep on the couch. We totally lost track of Theo and Meg, but I’m pretty sure they had sex on your bed.

I love you and miss you so much. Have the best time ever!


Mommy and I can’t wait to see you on Sunday. I’m dying to hear all about the cool stuff you learned at camp. Tonight Mommy and I had some younger friends from her office over for dinner. (One of them asked if he could bring his laundry. I think he was joking.) We’re so ancient. After dinner, Mommy and I were feeling a little, uh, self-conscious about the music we were playing so we logged onto your iTunes account to see what the kids are listening to. Somebody thought it would be cool to have a contest to see who could make the worst playlist. It was close but in the end I crushed them all with … Pitbull: The Complete Recordings. So, thanks for that!

Okay, so you know how much your bat mitzvah means to us. We are so proud of the young woman you are becoming and we are doing everything we can to make it the best night ever. Anyway, the party planner called. We have to whittle the “friends list” down from 80 to 60. She insisted! Mommy made the cuts. You don’t even like most of those kids anyway. Mazel tov!

P.S. — Remember when we said that while you were gone we were going to take the opportunity to rein in our screen time and create new boundaries for our digital lives? What a bunch of crap: Mom’s been basically living on Instagram and Campari and the TV’s been on since you left. We’ll totally get it together next time! Love you!


Sorry I didn’t write earlier. It’s been so crazy around here I haven’t had any time to collect my thoughts. I actually did sit down to write you, but as soon as I did, Uncle Theo texted me and the next you thing you know we were doing tricks on the trampoline and tossing frozen chicken nuggets onto Mrs. Manzell’s roof. The raccoons love me! I guess it sort of turned into a crazy night. Aunt Meg downloaded some erotic fanfiction from Amazon. I can’t believe they had all your favorites: One Direction, Hunger Games, even Harry Potter. We took turns reading the samples out loud. That Dumbledore! What a freak! I laughed so hard I almost sharted! After the frozen negronis were all gone we decided to have a party tomorrow night. We’ll let you know all the details!

P.S. No one had sex in your bed.


Par-tay! Tonight was the big night. There was Uncle Neil, of course, and the Diamonds from down the block, that British coach from your soccer team who works at the spinning place (random), Daffney from the hair salon (even more random), and your old art teacher whats-her-name with the tattoo on her neck. And like 20 annoying people from Mommy’s office. The Krassners showed up with fireworks they got on their trip to the Outer Banks last spring, but the police came and took them away after Uncle Neil ran down the street with a Roman candle.

Some neighbor kept complaining so we moved the party inside and up to your room. We all know it’s the best spot in the house. Someone thought it was a good idea to play Truth or Dare and the next thing you know your soccer coach was twerking and that art teacher was wearing the panda onesies you got for Christmas. (LMFAO!) Oh, and you know that life-size One Direction cutout? Well, Aunt Meg gave Zayn a lap dance while we all sat on your bed and cheered. Oh, then the soccer coach and some of Mommy’s workmates and the Krassners got into your sister’s Ritalin. They ground it up with the back of a hairbrush and snorted it right there on your sister’s dresser. Then we had a huge stuffed-animal fight while Mommy reorganized your sister’s closets. Then Uncle Neil went missing and we found him in the yard next to the trampoline! He was moaning in pain so Aunt Meg took him to the ER. Then someone spilled bong water on your bed and it stunk so bad everyone went home.

P.S. Uncle Theo dipped his genitals in your glitter box. He’s says he’s sorry, it was just the molly. I’ll buy you a new one. Please try to forgive him. He’s been under so much stress.


At last! Tomorrow we finally pick you up from camp. Mommy, is like, literally beside herself she misses you so much. So we slept really late this morning. I could have lain in bed forever but Mommy made me go out and apologize to some of the neighbors. Mainly for the fireworks, and the noise — it was kinda late — and the stuff Uncle Neil screamed when he broke the trampoline. So we had breakfast and went back to bed for a while. When we woke up we could hear the Krassners knocking on the front door, so we got really quiet and pretended no one was home. Hilarious. Then we went upstairs and fucked on your bed.

Can’t wait to see you. We’ve missed you so much. It’s just no fun here without you.

What We Really Did While You Were Gone at Camp