Everything You Thought About Bros, Confirmed in This Great Press Release

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Photo: Ricardo DeAratanha/Getty Images

And now, for your amusement: an email we received, presented in its entirety.

Hi [NAME REDACTED],

With the NFL season in full swing, single gals have to compete with a silly thing like a football game to win over a guy’s attention. Have no fear, the guys of [OFFENSIVELY NAMED SPORTS CLUB] in NYC can provide tips to help divert a man’s attention from his favorite team to a new kind of past time [sic]. I mean, ladies are always looking for advice from fellow females before purchasing expensive items so wouldn’t it be wise to seek the help of industry experts on THIS type of investment too? After all, you never know when the one could be standing right in front of you.

[OFFENSIVELY NAMED SPORTS CLUB] is the premiere [sic] spot in NYC to watch a football game in the lap of luxury (complete with world-renowned DJs, a gourmet game day menu, top shelf spirits, and an atmosphere more akin to a Las Vegas nightclub) appealing to the eligible bachelors who love football and the fashionable women who want to date them. With regulars including professional athletes, celebrities, sports executives and throngs of gorgeous party-people, [OFFENSIVELY NAMED SPORTS CLUB] effortlessly holds on to its #1 position as New York’s top sporting destination. So, trust these guys when they offer advice on how to pick up a guy during football season as they witness the successes and failures week after week.

Below, please find a sample of tips from [OFFENSIVELY NAMED SPORTS CLUB] dashing male employees. I’d love to work with you on a story on how to get a man while watching an NFL playoff game. Please let me know your thoughts and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

[NAME REDACTED]

Below, the helpful tips from the management of [OFFENSIVELY NAMED SPORTS CLUB]:

Joe Bro No. 1 says: “Just be yourself!!! Guys love a down to earth chick that can hang with the boys. Also, if you do not know about sports DO NOT try to fake it and pretend you know about a specific sport. For example, someone scores in football; don’t be the girl that says, ‘That was a great home run!’”

Joe Bro No. 2 says: “Watch SportsCenter, read ESPN.com and download the ESPN app. Knowing the basics to sports is essential. Like any conversation, people click when they have something in common if both can relate to a topic — like football.”

And … “Another quick tip: Pick a favorite team (the local team or a family favorite) and follow it throughout the season. That way you can speak knowledgeably. Knowing key facts about his favorite team, or any team, will definitely get a guy’s attention”

Joe Bro No. 3 says: “Don’t be afraid to eat wings. A guy likes a girl who actually eats and can still look great doing it!”

And …“Always be a lady. It is cute when a female rocks the jersey of her favorite team, but it is a turn-off when she is chest-bumping or screaming at the game.”

Everything You Thought About Bros, Confirmed