I Like This Bitch’s Life: Martha Stewart’s Cats

Not one of Martha's, but an enviable cat all the same.
Not one of Martha’s, but an enviable cat all the same. Photo: Rainer Elstermann/Getty Images

Strolling along the terrace parterre and admiring the farm vistas; enjoying fresh delicacies, rotated daily, from a bottomless buffet; napping atop a plush cushion beneath the ornate canary cage; you, too, could partake in these luxurious activities … if you were one of Martha Stewart’s cats.

I wouldn’t want to be Martha Stewart — the scrutiny! — or even one of her children (imagine how impeccable your manners would be expected to be!), but I would really like to trade lives with one of her cats. Bartok, Empress Tang, and Princess Peony appear to live charmed lives full of lazing about on rustic stone patios, exploring the diverse foliage of the serene countryside, and eating from their very own kitty buffet, which of course is kept in “the servery.” The cats also enjoy hanging out “in the shade gardens near my Tenant House,” as well as “napping on a stone wall outside my Gym building.”

Every evening, Martha takes a warm washcloth and personally wipes the face of each of her beloved cats, clearing the day’s dirt and grime and gourmet chicken off of their wiry whiskers.

Perhaps because her life is already full of exquisite interior décor and the freshest vegetables, Martha expects nothing from her cats, who are free to roam the grounds, eat fancy food, and sleep without so much as a “thank you” snuggle.

Oh, to be a rich cat or a rich baby.

Previously: I Want This Baby’s Life