sex diaries

The Man Deciding Whether to Cheat on His Sexless Relationship

Photo: Corbis

New York’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This summer, the Sex Diaries will appear on the Cut as a special edition. Check back Tuesdays for your weekly peek behind doors left slightly ajar.

This week, a marketing exec in a long-term relationship with a woman who has a self-diagnosed low sex drive: male, 31, West Village, straight.


10:30 a.m. My girlfriend and I slept in. We sleep on opposite sides of the bed. Every now and then we will touch feet, but that’s the extent of our in-bed cuddling. It’s been almost three years, so maybe sleeping like siblings rather than lovers is no big deal … but, call me romantic, I’d love to wake up in each other’s arms. Even if only on Sundays.

12:30 p.m. We go to our usual brunch spot and bring the New York Times. We drink our coffee, order our meal, and read our favorite sections. It’s not acrimonious; it’s just typical of a couple whose flame has (almost) flickered out. The reason I’m so glum about it all is because … well … my girlfriend won’t have sex with me anymore.

3 p.m. It’s hot and we agree sitting at home in the AC is the best possible afternoon activity. Being comfortable enough to do absolutely nothing together is a beautiful thing, but I wish we were doing nothing AND having a little Sunday-afternoon sex. After all, we have been together three years, not 30. And we are 31, not 91.

8 p.m. We’ve watched all the TV and listened to all the podcasts and now it’s time to order dinner. I love her … I do … and I recognize our comfortable, drama-free Sunday of togetherness is a gift in many ways. But if we don’t resolve our sexual issues soon, we’re doomed.

10 p.m. I lie in bed sexually frustrated. My girlfriend has never been very sexual. She blames her Catholic upbringing, and she also believes some people are born with higher/lower sex drives than others. Her sex drive is extremely low. Mine is not outrageously high but … I like sex a lot! Year one, we had sex a fair amount. Year two, we had sex twice a month or so? Now, it’s a special-occasion thing only. Christmas, birthdays … what a cliché!


8 a.m. We are getting dressed for work. Lately, work has been a lot more interesting for me since I’ve developed a bit of an office crush, “Lara.” She’s new at the office, very beautiful, and ridiculously fun. I would NEVER have entertained the idea of flirting with her if my relationship circumstances were different. But now, to cheat or not to cheat is something I’m grappling with.

10 a.m. Morning meeting. Lara sits next to me. We compare weekend notes. She calls me “Grandpa” when I tell her that my girlfriend and I basically stayed home and did nothing. Lara, of course, had a bunch of picnics, concerts, and barbecues. I can tell she likes me. I’m handsome, tall, nice, funny, have all my hair, a great job. I’m not going to lie: Most single girls, other than my girlfriend, are interested in me.

5 p.m. Meetings and phoners. I see Lara here and there. Should I ask her for drinks? Why is there no holiday party or work event this week??

7 p.m. I go home to my girlfriend who has bought groceries to make us dinner. We always kiss on the lips “hello.” But I know better than to pull her toward me. Every single time I try that, she becomes squeamish and then we both get silently upset. Around now, the logical question is: What is up with their communication? Again, thank you, Catholic Church! My repressed girlfriend never wants to talk about this stuff. She says she’s happy. She swears she’s happy! She “loves us.” She tells me to go take care of business on my own, and just learn to deal with it, because she’s just not into sex. She often says, “I mean, would you rather me just fake it?” Um, YES?!

8 p.m. Cuddleless TV-watching. I’m wondering if a better man than me would say something like this to her: If you don’t fuck me, I’m going to fuck someone else. Of course, I don’t say that. I say, “Do you want to open that $9 chocolate bar?” She smiles and says yes.


10 a.m. Lara sits next to me at the morning meeting. I sort of feel like we are becoming a work couple. She looks incredible today. Does she know what she’s doing to me? Yes, she totally does.

3 p.m. I ask if she wants to grab a coffee. She does. We go to a great spot near the office and I buy her coffee, and a big cookie as a surprise. It’s the closest thing to romance I can drum up. We sit down and talk for a little. She asks about my girlfriend. All I say is that we’ve been having “some problems lately.” Lara pushes for more info. Then she literally says, “Do you guys have a good sex life?” I almost choke on my coffee. The best I can come up with is “We used to.”

6 p.m. The Lara situation is a live wire today. We keep passing each other, smiling, sending all sorts of vibes out. All of this is heightened by the fact that I know my girlfriend has her book club tonight and will be out with girlfriends pretty late.

7 p.m. Fuck it. Lara walks by my desk on her way out. She is carrying a gym bag and I ask if she’d rather work out … or have some drinks with me. It didn’t take a lot of convincing.

7:20 p.m. We go to a dive bar near work because we heard they have secret-amazing tater tots there. We drink and talk. She is really prying about my girlfriend. After two whiskeys I tell her the truth, that our sex life is dismal, and I’m losing my patience. Ball-buster that she is, she accuses me of having a tiny dick. I assure her I do not. She likes this new piece of information ….

10 p.m. We are drunk. We make out. She’s the first girl I’ve cheated on my girlfriend with. It’s crazy-fun kissing her and I feel almost no guilt. I’m not sure what to make of that. We both head home separately.

11 p.m. My girlfriend comes home and makes fun of me for stinking of booze and being such a lightweight. She doesn’t even ask where I was or what I was doing. We go to sleep.


10 a.m. I wake up super-horny wondering if and when I’m going to fuck Lara. Kissing is the gateway drug to fucking, and my girlfriend not giving a shit about me whatsoever doesn’t hurt.

11 a.m. I have to be out of the office for most of the day, so I don’t see Lara at all. We don’t have each other’s numbers, which I think is a good thing. The lack of texting might be saving us from ourselves.

5 p.m. When I do finally get back to work, I see her. She waves and I think she’s blushing. Nothing feels awkward. It’s purely fun.

7 p.m. Everyone goes home for the day. My girlfriend and I take a walk for fro-yo and talk about her boss. Then she does something really cute with her “toppings” and I kiss her cheek.  She doesn’t pull back. I know it sounds like nothing, but it’s an intimate moment that makes me think for a second.

10 p.m. We get into bed and I try to snuggle up to her. She’s less tense in bed than usual but when I try to put my hand up her pajama top, she says something like, “Stoppppp. I’m sooo tired! I love you. Good night.”


8 a.m. I must have sex with Lara.

10 a.m. We do our morning meeting/work-couple thing. On the way out the door, I whisper, “Have dinner with me tonight?” She kills it with “MAYBE.”

11 a.m. I know maybe means yes so I spend all morning blowing off work and figuring out the best restaurant to take her to. I’m deep in the Yelp search and she hasn’t even agreed yet.

3 p.m. Lara swings by my office and says she has to run home first, but if we can do something around 9 p.m., she’s in. I calculate this in my head and figure we probably won’t be able to fuck tonight if dinner ends at 11 p.m., but I’m so excited to have a “hot date” that it might actually feel as good as sex.

7 p.m. Since she’s going home first, I go home first. Earlier I texted my girlfriend that I had a work dinner. As usual, she didn’t ask any questions.

8:30 p.m. I’m out the door before my GF gets home from spinning. As I hail a taxi, a wave of anxiety hits me. It’s an intense combination of anxiety and excitement. No real guilt yet … I guess a part of me feels like this is all my girlfriend’s fault anyway. This is crass but my stomach is doing all sorts of crazy things because I’m so revved up.

9:15 p.m. Lara arrives and looks like a knockout. She obviously went home to put on a sexy dress. I call her out on it, too. We order wine like it’s our job. The conversation is great. She is under the not-so-wrong impression that my girlfriend and I are on the brink of a breakup. I don’t deny it. The convo gets naughty. We talk about the best sex of our lives. She is very sexual!

11:30 p.m. I have to wrap up the night because I have no choice but to go home at this point. Although, there’s not one single text from my girlfriend wondering what my ETA is.

11:40 p.m. As we wait for our Ubers, Lara and I make out on someone’s stoop. I have my hand way up her thigh. I’m not sure if I should touch her panties and then she pulls my hand higher up to feel how wet she is. Holy fuck. My fingers begin to wander around and under her G-string … she’s touching my rock-hard cock over my pants. I want to explode. And like clockwork, our Ubers arrive.


8 a.m. My girlfriend actually asks about my night. I tell her exactly where I was but swap out Lara’s name for a work contact she doesn’t know. I’m not sure how believable I sound, so now I’m anxious.

10 a.m. Morning meeting. Nothing is ever awkward with Lara! She’s a fuckin’ pro.

1 p.m. I’m feeling all sorts of weird. Has the guilt kicked in? I text my girlfriend to see if she wants to grab dinner after work. She says she wants to go night-spinning again, so probably not.

3 p.m. Lara swings by my office for a quick hello. She thanks me for dinner and asks when we’re going to do it again. I completely lie and say my girlfriend and I are going “to the Berkshires” for the weekend. I have NO idea where that came from. But it buys me some time. It’s a dick move considering she had my fingers grazing her pussy 12 hours prior.

7 p.m. I don’t see Lara again all day. I wonder if she’s pissed. Honestly, I just want to go home and wait for my girlfriend.

9:30 p.m. When my girlfriend gets home we decide to finish watching a movie trilogy we had started a while back. She actually lets me cuddle her. No funny business, but it feels really nice. For both of us, I think.  No sex, obviously.


10 a.m. No work today! No Lara! And since we still haven’t exchanged numbers, no Lara-driven temptations or distractions.

12 p.m. My girlfriend’s sister is in town, so I meet up with them for brunch. It’s all very comfortable and familiar. Not great, not horrible, just normal. I insist on paying for brunch, and then I drop them at some “pedi” place and buy them that, too. These are my girls, after all.

2 p.m. I have the rest of the day at home by myself. I watch a little porn. I tidy up. I am not obsessing about Lara; I’m enjoying the calm of the day. Is the affair over before it even began? If I had to bet, the answer would be “probably?”

6 p.m. My girlfriend and her sister are cooking dinner. We pop open some wine, put on some music. The sister (who is a lot more provocative than my GF) says that if we drink enough wine, maybe my girlfriend and I will actually “do the dirty” later. Awkward laughter. And just for the record, we do not.

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The Man Deciding Whether to Cheat