what i did for love

Naked Dating Leads to Naked Puking

Scene from <em>Dating Naked</em>.
Scene from Dating Naked.

On this episode’s first night, it’s just our four naked friends — no new daters. Kerri has chosen Michael, Chris kept Moenay, and now the group will share a romantic evening where they can just focus on lovin’ and gettin’ down.

Except — an interesting revelation — being on an island full of naked people seems to have an adverse effect on our contestants’ sex lives. Nobody is getting laid in this foursome.

Chris is trying so hard to get Moenay to sleep with him. But, with her newly realized goddess status, she realizes mere bromortals are not good enough for her. She gives him a tepid kiss and calls it a day. And Kerri, surprisingly, is through being emotional (sort of). So she tries to get this party started! She pulls Michael aside for an emotional chat over white wine. Erotic. She’s all, “Michael, create a spark, if you spark, I will spark, show me your spark,” which is too coded for him to understand. She wants him to initiate phase naked-kissing, but Michael is confused. He wrote her that song, he has tattoos, and now he has to start a fire? The pressure is too much and he loses his grip on the tiny bit of game momentum he had from the last episode.   

Kerri remains sexually frustrated. Chris remains sexually frustrated. Instead of banging each other, like they really should just do, they go to bed in their sexless hotel rooms and prepare for the next day’s dates.

Date 1:

Chris and Elissa:
Whoa, guys, Elissa is an actual Coyote Ugly girl. Chris is immediately taken with a woman who “dances on bars and mouths off.” Match made in heaven. Except Elissa reveals that she is 33 and freaks out because Chris is too young. He’s 27! That is hardly an age gap worth fretting about, but she’s reluctant even so. Chris senses her reluctance and proceeds to be very charming while they go on a scuba date that requires them to Donald Duck in life vests.

After they share a post-date drink. Chris proposes a toast:

Elissa: To new adventure and a great— 

Their age difference definitely will not be a problem.

Kerri and Dan: Kerri is running through the list of things she needs in a guy — emotional maturity, feelings, more feelings, sharing of those feelings — and wondering why she hasn’t found someone who can give her those things and also bed her, like a man. Oh, hi Dan. Dan is tall. Dan is broad. Dan oozes testosterone. Dan is a MAN. He is also a tattoo artist and is from Tampa, just like Kerri, and he has the close-cropped haircut of a former boy-band member who now spends all of his time at CrossFit. Let me assure you this look works for Dan, and if Kerri doesn’t make good use of this man, I am going to board a flight to the Philippines and help her out. No worries, though: Kerri is like, Take me, Dan, even though she worries he might be an “STD” (“South Tampa Douche”) . But no woman can resist a grown man on a pogo stick:

Kerri still talks a lot about her feelings, but Dan is bringing out a whole new, slightly less boring Kerri. Yes, he engages with her emotionally — vulnerably discussing a vague, tragic past — but then he is smooth, so smooth, like a Jodeci song. By the end of the date, Kerri is making out and licking ice cream off his fingers like she’s in an erotic novel. I’m so proud of her.

All the daters return to the house and put their clothes back on. Michael feels completely inadequate, and frankly, he should. His bad songs are no match for Dan in his hot-pink boxer briefs.

After two visits to this island, Moenay has things figured out. She pulls Chris aside and is like, “Hey, I know you have another date. I’m going to hang back and let you do your thing with her. But I’m into you. I promise! I’m into you! Have fun!” And goes off to enjoy a glass of wine and some pool time without ever having to talk to Chris for the rest of the episode.

Poor Kerri, though: She really thought she had a great thing going with Dan, but he ends up partying too hard and too aggressively. He turns into a dreaded STD and — EXCUSE ME DAN WOULD LIKE SOME ATTENTION NOW.

Then he pukes. He puked. No boners this season but we have naked puking, everyone.

Kerri plays it to her advantage and is like, “I’m too overcome with emotions, help me, Chris,” and then they go off and have a serious friend talk. Kerri— with her eyes all blinky and moist, like Bambi — asks Chris, “What is wrong with me? Why do I make all these guys puke?” And then Chris gives her the speech about how great she is. If this were a rom-com they’d end up together. But it’s not. It’s a show where people go on dates with their genitals out there for all to see.

Date 2:

Kerri and Chris: Despite the fact that this new Chris — oh, this is confusing, we will call him Damp Chris. Despite the fact that Damp Chris has some serious sweat issues:

And despite the fact that he quotes Pinky and the Brain, and that his personal catchphrase is “Wake Up and Beast,” Damp Chris is so smooth. Just a tall drink of smooth peanut butter in a silky chocolate milkshake. He’s not afraid to sweep Kerri off her feet. And she lets him. New Kerri is here to get hers, guys. She’s going to make out forever and never walk again. Finally. Finally.

Chris and Erica: I don’t understand why he is still surprised that he gets a new batch of naked women every day. It’s the premise of the show! But now Chris is surprised that another cute naked girl is here to go on a date with him. Erica is a total bro who also only speaks in dad jokes (“I have a song about sandwiches, actually it’s more like a rap”) and pickup lines, and it’s obvious Chris is not into it. But she adds value to this episode for coining the phrase “Tits for Chimis,” which means using Tinder dates to get cheesy Mexican food. Also, she unabashedly stares at Chris’s genitals.

My, how the tables have turned. While Kerri harnesses all the sexual power of the island, it is Chris who is at the house, trapped, discussing feelings with Elissa. She already feels something for him after just a few hours. Chris agrees he feels a connection with her, but also with Moenay, and also with Kerri, and also with that wall, that stool over there, sometimes the birds that fly around the island. It’s hard to be Chris.

Kerri gives into her carnal longings almost immediately. Damp Chris will now be renamed Ginuwine Chris because he is as smooth as someone playing “So Anxious” during a 2:30 a.m. booty call (it’s smooth). Kerri, who has learned from Moenay, is like, I am a goddess, I will have my men the way I like them, attached to my lips.

Dan comes over and Kerri sends him away. Like Moenay, she has no time for lugheads — speaking of Moenay, where is she? Did she go to the spa or something?

Dan gets all jealous and responds the only way he can, by making Kerri jealous. He flirts with Erica in a hot tub. Instead of being like, “Get off my sex island, minion,” Kerri plays right into his hand. “I’m jealous, because I care,” she tells him. No, Kerri, you’re jealous because you’ve been manipulated, kick him out of here! Or make out with him, whatever, Kerri. I’m disappointed in you.

Oh! There’s Moenay! She’s around. Holding a tiara because she is a queen.

At elimination, it’s business as usual. Chris struggles to choose between Hot Girl 1 or Hot Girl 2. Kerri makes inspirational speeches that are just a little too personal. In the end, she wrongly chooses Dan instead of Ginuwine Chris. Welcome back, old Kerri. And Chris chooses Coyote Elissa .  

Both Erica and Moenay go out like champs, however. Moenay didn’t cry, she didn’t fight. She says to Chris, “Whatever, I don’t fight over men. Thanks for the free trip!” She’s come so far.

And Erica has finally solved the mystery of Chris’s witchcraft: “I thought for a second that I was catching feels, turns out I was just hungry,” she says.  Everyone, everyone, this is important. Any woman on Naked Island who thinks they might love Chris: Don’t be fooled, it’s just time to eat lunch.

Most Awkward Naked Moment: Eating Ice Cream Sensually.

Naked Dating Leads to Naked Puking