sitting kills

Does This Standing Desk Make My Butt Look Big?

Photo: Victoria Yee/Shestock/Corbis

Ever since we decided basic human body positions like “sitting” are the modern-day plague, standing at work has morphed from the worst part of working retail to a privilege. No longer are standing desks relegated to the domain of “that weird guy with the ponytail who works in IT,” they are now fashionable — at least according to the New York Times. Of course, having been ordained as such, they now come equipped with a host of new anxieties for users to internalize, such as: Does this standing desk make my butt look okay?

Regular sitting desks allow you to hide your butt and poorly fitting pencil skirt. With standing desks, they’re both out on display for your co-workers to talk about around the office Keurig machine. “I hope you have a great tailor and get pants to fit properly so they look nice on your butt,” one stylist, who sounds like he probably bullied you in high school, told the Times.

Since you’ll be standing all day, you’ll also have to ditch the heels and go barefoot or wear flip-flops, so let’s hope you didn’t give up on pedicures the last week of August. Other things you will worry about now that you are a superior being who stands all day: If your dress is see-through, if your calves look manly, if sitting down to eat lunch will make you look like a quitter, if you’ve become “too San Francisco.”

Of course, there are some perks to the standing-desk phenomenon that may outweigh the stress: for one, your clothes will never get wrinkled. Also, there’s that whole “maybe not dying as soon” thing, which I hear is pretty great.