10 Reasons I’m Never Giving Up Bacon

You sexy beast.
You sexy beast. Photo: Carmen Troesser/Corbis

The World Health Organization’s public-health arm caused widespread despair on the internet yesterday when it declared that processed meats like bacon cause cancer. While levelheaded people have pointed out that the WHO classifies carcinogens based on the strength of the scientific evidence that they can cause cancer, not the relative risk that they’ll actually cause it — which, in the case of processed meat, is very small — others are promoting anti-bacon hysteria. I will not stand for this nonsense. Not only is it inaccurate, but a life without bacon would be bleak and joyless. Here are ten reasons why this cured meat will always be worth eating.

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Breakfast Sandwiches

Consider the classic bagel order: bacon, egg, and cheese. What else rolls off the tongue so easily? Nothing. It is the only reason to get out of bed and enter the world.

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The Soundtrack of Bacon

The slurp as you peel one slice off another; the crackle of fat frying in the pan; the crunch of the first bite — these must be the sweet sounds one hears when entering the pearly gates.

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Cocktail Hours

Weddings turn love into a commercialized institution, but a passed tray of bacon-wrapped scallops reminds us that love can be real.

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Late-Night Rations

Because when you wake up Sunday morning, brutally hung-over, your mouth might taste like regret, but it will also taste like the bacon-wrapped hot dog you ate at 4 a.m. — the flavor of hope.

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Pork Buns

Is a life without pork belly in a steamed bun worth living? It is not.

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Wrapping anything in bacon (figs, melon, asparagus) disguises the fact that you’ll never come close to Martha Stewart’s domestic prowess. Without it, you’d be faced with your own shortcomings.

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When you’re at a chrome-wrapped establishment of unknown quality, you can always trust the BLT — a way to find order in a world of constant chaos.

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The Existence of Baconarians

Scientists have found that the smell is so tempting that even vegetarians make exceptions for it. If they can’t resist, why should we?

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Unlike those stuffy, veggie-heavy meals lunch and dinner, at this one it is acceptable — nay, encouraged — to order a side of bacon.

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Cobb Salads

Avocado and blue cheese are delicious on their own, but bacon is the tie that binds these flavors together. Without it, the Cobb (and you) would be utterly lost.

10 Reasons I’m Never Giving Up Bacon